Christmas and New Year

Here we are on New Years Eve with the house all cosy and warm and still festive from Christmas. We had a lovely christmas with plenty to eat and drink. We all had fun and my happiest christmas memories are of all the family being in the kitchen whilst Karen and I cooked the dinner and how gradually the music took over and we had a bit of a dance. There was lots of loud voices and laughter. The dinner went well and the turkey was gorgeous.
The activities were a great success and will definitely be repeated next year. Karen read tarots, Fiona did play dough game which was great and Phil did a film quiz which was also educational. Chris table football was not so good and I hope next year he does some magic instead. Richard and I did Just a minute which was also good fun but I must remember to choose Karen last next year as she kept wanting to stop once she had had her turn and needs to remember to support everyone who had prepared something. Anyway lots of shouting and laughter again.

The boys and Fiona didn't go back till the day after boxing day and then Angela and Kevin came down the same day so when Lorraine and Jayne cancelled due to family crisis for Jayne I was quite relived as felt shattered. Yesterday I went over to see Christine and John and that was lovely seeing John's family again.

All in all a very good christmas. Just how I imagined and hoped it would be.

Now here is New Years eve, another year over and new one about to begin. Last year was a very good year for me. I have so enjoyed living here. We've had better family experiences and had a better standard of living. Enjoyed eating out in some lovely places, visited some interesting and beautiful countryside and attended some interesting places such as the windmill and the american war cemetery. Health has generally been good for which I thank some one or something and never take for granted. Money could always be better and job security could be better but there is enough just about. Life has been good and fingers crossed and hopes and prayers that it continues in the same way for next year.
New Years eve's are always a bit scary and exciting because they remind you that you never know what the next few months will bring and that actually you had better appreciate what you have now because life never ever stays the same.
Happy New Year everyon

Early Snow and winter has arrived.

The winter has arrived with a real vengence. No gradual slip from a mellow autumn into a mild and wet winter...no we have snow and some parts of the country have ground to a halt well ahead of the expected January snow.

Its cold and grey and everywhere here has a light dusting of snow with more promised overnight. Urgh we have months ahead of this. Its dark apart from a small gap in the middle of the day. I keep saying we are almost at the shortest day but in reality we have almost three weeks till we reach that point and then its gradually the lengthening of the days.

With this sudden cold snap I do wonder how the birds are coping with this sudden dramatic change? I also wonder how they will cope with this extended winter. Perhaps we have the horrid stuff now and the rest of the winter will be mild? Fingers crossed and I don't actually hold that much hope...this is probably it till the end of March!!

On the plus side the house is lovely and cosy and warm. The mellow lights make it feel so cosy and of course I still love being here.

I am ahead with christmas preparations as well. All presents are bought apart from Angela's which I will have to think about. Boys all planned and purchased. Chris birthday all planned as well and meal booked. Just need to be around when postman delivers and then wrap.

As I am typing there is an extended weather report telling us that if you have not yet had snow then expect it tonight and tomorrow!!!

Flu and Prince William is engaged

It turned out it wasn't a cold after all but full blown flu. I have not had flu for years and this really did knock me out. Here I am just over a week later and still recovering. I have not been back to work and even went to the doctors much to their surprise as well as my own as they kept saying you are never ill, your records show you are never ill etc etc. Once the fever died down I just felt so exhuasted and even climbing the stairs to my bedroom left my heart racing and me panting with total exhaustion. I have seen the future as an old woman and I don't like it. I am guilty suspecting that the way this left me so low was largely down to my own general unfitness and once again I hear myself promising to get fit, take more exercise which is easy to promise while I am still not well enough to put this promise to the test and start a new fitness regime.

Other news is that Prince William is engaged to be married to Kate Middleton. He has given her his mothers old engagement ring which is a bit spookey. The poor girl is going to be haunted by Diana anyway without having to wear that doomed piece of jewellry.

I remember watching the young Diana on her engagement interview so full of hope and love and so shy and smiley. Look what the horrible Prince Charles and his bloody family did to her? When Kate spoke about the royal family being welcoming I just shouted at the telly 'run girl they are all gouls and will pull at your neck and drag you down until you lose that youthful shine.'

The press have gone mad and its all over the news tonight plus sudden documentaries with vague people who may have just bumped into the couple eight years ago suddenly saying they have been through tough times as students when all they had was takeaways.. Give me strength!! His family is one of the richest in the world if not this country and when ever did he have to ferret down the back of the sofa for some lose change to buy bread? Tough times...makes my republican tendencies come out.

A little cold.

God I feel ill. Can't breath, eyes like gob stoppers, continous runny nose and a headache...yes a little cold but its knocking me out. I must have looked and sounded bad today because everyone at the UCP everyone said I should be at home in bed including the lovely Jan. I thought I would love someone like Jan to look after me. You would feel so safe and reassured with her checking on you, taking your pulse etc.

I'd like to take tomorrow sick but have to go in to do focus group which I know sounds silly but if I dont do it this week I dont know when it will be done!

Perhaps this is the worse day and tomorrow will be better.

Winter on the way

Life feels a bit stressful at the moment. My Mum had her masectomy and today found out that she needs either another procedure on the other side or another mastectomy. She is worried about being a nusience which is good of her and at the same time trying to consider what is best for her long term health. Not an easy dicision really and one that will involve all her daughters input or consideration.

Work is very stressful with more and more things being demanded upon us with little time to do things and sitting in the team meeting last week I could feel the pressure building in my head.

Home is mostly okay although this last weekend we had the battle of the bins with Richard and Number 60 fighting over where the bin should stay and her saying to Richard that if he touched her bin again she would call the police!! I managed to quieten things down but I'm not sure for how long.

I am also worried as usual about money although that has not stopped me spending more on lovely purple coats and meals out.

Another stress of course is the uncertainty of my job...will I have one? The spending review will mean a huge cut in public spending especially for local authorities and will I have a job? Who knows.

The weather is changing the nights are getting longer and winter is just around the corner.

I'm just watching the news where they are talking about a magnificent red deer called The Empororer that was shot for the trophy of his antlers. Such a beautiful animal and shot by some stupid rich arrogant twat.

Although this government has only been in power for a few months the difference between rich and poor is already growing wider.

So lots of stress and worries.

Positives include I still love my house, I love living in this area and have had a brilliant 10 months of cultural things, nice meals out and family and friends to stay over etc.

I am healthy. My family apart from mum is healthy.
I am independent and mobile.
I have lovely family and lovely friends.
I am clever and smart and funny.
Life is good.

She has her masectomy tomorrow and I can't imagine what tonight must feel like for her. It easy for male consultants to talk breezily about taking off a breast and expecting a quick almost painless recovery but to a woman it could feel like a disfigurement. Its not like taking out an appendix which doesn't show and my Mum is not the sort to bounce back after anything let alone a mastectomy. I predict months if not years of continued misery and depression for her and those closest to her. Like a pond with a stone plopped into the middle the ripples will be stronger the nearer you are to the centre ie Lisa and then Karen and then me almost by default.
Its quite easy not feeling anything really except I feel like a fraud when people offer me sympathy and then I worry they think me heartless but at the same time I can't possibly explain that for many years all emotion to that women was switched off . The current that flowed from my heart is a dead wire with no power inside anymore.

A mastectomy

She needs a mastectomy and they are investigating if she has the cancer in her other breast which might lead to a full mastectomy. So far she has been very brave and is facing it with great grit and composure long may it reign.
Lisa is depressed to think its all going to affect her own life and I am contemplating taking time out of my life to be available and its all a bit reluctant which in its turn is sad and depressing.
To be honest it all feels a bit remote and its not difficult to forget and just get on with life and then you remember that she is about to undergo a horrible and maiming procedure. I've said that when they find out when she is due to go for surgery I'll try and arrange a visit. It would be slightly weird if this does coincide with the dates I've booked on my train ticket...bigger things than we realise at work me thinks.

Right now I have Ed Milliband on the news making his first speech to the labourn party. It seems odd seeing this new generation taking over from Blair and Brown. I hate to say it but they seem too young. I remember thinking that all politicians were all old men and now I have reached the time in my life when they now seem too young!! Horible but at the same time quite comfortable as well. I don't think that our new Ed has quite the power of being able to make a good speech like Tone had or even Gordon really.

Had a lovely weekend with Chris and Fiona coming down on Saturday and saw all their 500 china photos. Then off to Cambridge for a tapas with our Phil to celebrate his birthday and dessert at the Copper Kettle. A nice night not spoilt by drunken rampages as Chris and Fiona went home the same night. Next day we all sat in watchig films whilst the rain came down outside and then a meal with Phil at De Luca a lovely Italian again in Cambridge...we must stop spending money on meals out as we are living way beyond our means.
Right off to cook tea and take an echania tablet as I can feel a cold coming on and I put it off a while ago with the drug.

Spider found lump

Potentially being saved by a spider is a bit ironic really seeing as my mum is petrified of even the tinest and most inoffensive but if she hadn't have got so hot and bothered trying to make sure it was not still within her nightie then she wouldnt have been rubbing and brushing herself and so not have found the lump in her breast.
She did all the right things in booking to see her doctor who then agreed she needed a very quick referral to hospital who following numerous tests on the Monday just past was diagnosed as having breast cancer in one breast with increased calcium in the other.
The next Monday we find out what kind of treatment she will need and from there I guess the three of us will make plans and try to get some control on something that we probably will have little control of.
We may make plans to visit or share the caring and timetable potential time off work but what we can't plan for even though we are all aware it will be there will be the unexpected. In our case the unexpected feelings and emotions. In our case it might consist of resentment of all the years of neglect and lack of maternal feelings that we all feel we suffered from. Karen seems to have forgiven her the most and phones her regularly for girly chats but note this when she was in her company for more than a couple of days all the old resentment and anger was still there. Lisa resents being left with someone who moans constantly and gives nothing by ways of emotional support to anyone but like a greedy baby bird just constantly demands. I resent being expected to do anything really as I feel emotionally cut off and only do anything out of a sense of duty and trying to support Lisa but even then I sort of feel that they encouraged Mum and Dad to travel down there and so must bear the consequences of this.
There is also the unexpected and slightly feared worry that the next few weeks and months might flare up hidden emotions and feelings that feel unbearable and thats a frightening thought.
I am also deeply worried that Karen is already becomming ill again caused by a combination of over work, worries about Mum and Jade's selfish behaviour. I do really hope and pray I am so wrong but listening to her on Monday with her rapid speech and paranoid thoughts about how other people might be behaving left me very very anxious. If she isn't ill she has a very poor view on her colleagues motivations which in itself is worrying.
So there we are. A lot of worry about more extended family. Family I have little to do with in most day to day life, but a family that impinges on me and stops me doing what I want to do and sometimes feels like I get very little back to be honest.
Karen has changed enormously in the last couple of years and is good fun to be with and we can have long chats. She is kind and enormously generous and I do love her but I don't think she understands me and assumes that I how I feel or my own motivations. I always feel I have to be on my guard with her and that she doesn't really understand me and still resents and is jealous of me.

Lisa I have fun with when I see them but that is not often. Again I do love her but don't see enough of.

Mum? Well thats old news and too much to post here today and then carryon with a productive day.

Here we go on another journey and it does give me some sense of comfort to know that one day when I read this I will know how the journey progressed and where the path led...I wonder if anyone or anything will hold my hand?

Heart bursting happiness

I have one night away from home and I can't wait to get back. As I drive into the town/village (from now on I shall call it a viwn) my heart beat actually increases so as I get nearer to the house I feel my heart will burst with happiness. This is a such a strange feeling for me and I do hope it continues and I never take coming home to such a lovely home for granted.

The birds are coming!!

The birds are coming!! All very gradual but I can see definite signs of what might be yet to come.
When we first moved in and were marooned by the snow I put bird food out but nothing was taken and it just sat on the table undisturbed. The only signs of birds around the house were the occasional wag tail and some rook/crows which sat high on the building site cawing to each other. It all felt very desolate and horribly silent.
Visiting the old house during the spring I was amazed how just how loud the bird song was around there. I know I fed the birds and loved to hear the chaffinch and my favourite the blackbird but even so the loudness and variety around that little street is amazing really. I felt quite sad returning to our barren building site of bricks and concrete with little greenery.

We did hear and occasionally saw if you were quick the wonderful sky lark as they soared high above us near the lakes and fields singing out their territory and that made my heart sing. As spring moved on I saw the wagtail feeding her baby and watching it carefully which was lovely.

Then on Friday of this week a whole host, swarm, gang...large amount of swallows swooped by our little close. Diving and swooping at amazing speeeds catching the insects in the air. I watched them feeling very happy and hopeful that these are the fore runners of future birds that will visit us and perhaps stay? 'Welcome and come again' I said to them from my heart.

Today sitting eating breakfast in the garden I glanced up and saw a mighty prehistoric heron fly over probably on its way to the lakes but nonetheless passing my garden!

The surrounding gardens now have grass and plants, and some are planting trees. I am looking forward to the day when the spring dawn chorus wakes me up as it did in the old house. The birds are coming hurruh!!

A cheeky day off

Oooh a little cheeky day that consists of laying in, watching Heir Hunters (its funny how certain programmes get a hold of you, a couple of years ago it was Extreme Make over Home edition, last year due to house move it was all the property programmes such as Location, Location, Location and now this holiday at least its been Heir hunters where I fantasize about being contacted by a firm to let me know I am an heir to hundreds of thousand of pounds and a beauitiful house in Putney. Karen came down at the weekend and said she had become addicted to dog whisperer and even tried training Colin using the same techniques.
I digress from a cheeky day which following the tv including although I wasn't going to, Homes under the Hammer where I imagine buying several properties at aution and doing them all up at vast profits. Then a shower whilst listening to an audio book and then get ready to go into town. Leaving at 12 noon and taking a bottle of water and a banana I thought I would be back by 3. Alighting from the park and ride at the Round Church I looked inside and saw that there was a lunch time concert about to start so I took myself inside.
Oh how glorious, how simply lovely and devine. Sitting inside the little round church and looking up at the old stained glass windows, and the masks of the knights staring down at me whilst listening to some Beethhoven was wonderful. People watching is fun as well and noticing how lots of people all know each other and that the different ages all enjoying the moment, the shared moment of listening to three men (The medway trio) playing music and obviously enjoying playing for us. I felt very lucky to be there having such experiences.
After the church I popped into the Copper Kettle for a panini and tea whilst sitting at the window overlooking Kings. The sun streamed in and again I people watched and occasionally read my book thoroughly enjoying myself.
I have no problems being by myself enjoying the freedom to go where I want and do what I want. I do of course have lots of times with other people including family and friends so the odd time of being alone is a treat.
After lunch a meander around the town, catching a street entertainment group called Zambezi Express who were brilliant and made you want to dance around smiling.
Bought a blouse and some moisteriser which was what I had gone to buy and then caught the bus which was conveniently waiting for me. Now back home by 4.30 feeling very good.
What a cheeky day which I have to say started with the hangover of still feeling a bit wobbly from yesterdays illness which had the same symptoms of IBS.
A lovely day made even nicer as it was a free day off....now feel guilty.

Back to work tomorrow after a fornight off. its whizzed by and been a mixture of days around town, Wicken Fen, Jayne and Lorraine, Karen, Phil, Chris and Fiona, avatar, Kettles yard, markets (never again) and meal out. A very busy but satisfying time. I don't want to go back to work ...oh why doesn't the heir hunters hurry up and find me?

Planting a garden and leaving a little part of myself behind

God I am fat now. There is just no denying it or pretending or even hoping its just a temporary thing...I am officially overweight and plump. I also get stiff when crouching down, or getting out of bed in the mornings and even after a journey in the car I am all stiff at first!! Where did all this come from? I thought I would be young and supple for ever and that old age and infirmity happened only to others.
Anyways been on holiday from work for a few days and now into the stride or relaxation of laying in (listening to the sound of the workmen outside the house which will be gone soon thank goodness), having a lazy breakfast while watching heir hunters, then just pottering. Yesterday I did the garden, tidying up the pots and deadheading old flowers and cutting back faded blooms. I then dug a border at the end of the garden up near the fence.
My first border sort of felt almost emotional as if we were really leaving a mark on the house. That whoever comes after us will have that border with those plants in there. We have started a garden and left a little of ourselves behind.
Right am off to leave more of myself behind and plant some bulbs. I love how the bulbs come up in the darkest and coldest of days and they remind you of how you planted them in teeshirts and how you had the warm sun on you as you laboured. Some of that good summer sun gets transported through the bulbs to brighten the early spring/late winter day and keep us going till once again the days get longer.
I'm going to make Christine and John a little bulb garden for their patio and hopefully give them some nice summer cheer to keep them going through the long dark winter especially as I sort of feel all is not too good for them at the moment but I may be wrong. I'll find out today as off there tonight for a dinner I invited myself to...I just had a feeling to get in touch, probably nothing.
right off to change for gardening.

Flouncing but not

Just watched a cloyingly sentimental film My sisters keeper and that combined with disagreements with the South team over mapping the annual reviews has left me feeling a bit pissed off.

I try to get these things in perspective and remind myself that I won't even remember this in the great scheme of things but my initial reaction is to stay stuff your bloody job and do a flounce. It would be very satisfying to do such a flounce for about 10 minutes and thereafter I would regret my hasty words and try to find ways to minimise what I had said etc. So I have to tell myself to take deep breaths and not say anything at all and that way there will be nothing to regret.
I just wander what their concerns were? Did they think they would do more? I don't really understand the worries...but I've also learnt at last it won't help for me to ask as that will be seen as hectoring and not letting go. I've got lovely Greg in my ear whispering to leave it and walk away.

I've wasted today really not doing childcare sufficiency and just pottering watching stupid films. I like the idea of a day off but actually its not a day off cos I worry and just not work effectively and would have been better off bunking off to Cambridge to get my hair cut which was what I was thinking of doing in the first place.

On a happier note we had a lovely weekend. Phil came up and on Friday night and we went to see Inception on Saturday. Sunday we went to an exciting Plum festival which was funny just because it was so random. I love all these funny countryside events and customs.
Got some leave in a couple of days and intend to just potter about and go out for days and be a tourist.
Also have to remember when I feel like flouncing that I am able to work from home and have off days here in the sunshine with the cats...and that can't be bad now can it?...plus with things as they are who knows how many days like this there will be.

wind in the willows with famous five

I've been making some videos of the house and downloading onto youtube to share with Chris and Ray however I'm a bit worried that potential burglars could check us out not that we have anything worth stealing but you never know so as they watch them I'm deleting them. Which is a bit of a shame as they would be good to keep if you thought only nice people were going to watch them not everyone or anyone who might use them for nefarious reasons.

Essex is not a good place to work for at the moment as colleagues are being made redundant all around me and I will be lucky to escape. It feels like a sea disaster movie when the ship wrecked passengers are all in a circle in the sea surrounded by sharks and gradually they get picked off and the circle gets smaller. Will we be rescued before the sharks eat us all?
Worked at H today which as per usual is a hot bed of mess and lack of leadership which is grossly unfair with Ofsted looming and the operations managers in line to take all the flak.
Can't remember what else I was going to talk about today. At the weekend R and I walked through the Granchester meadows which was lovely. I've been wanting to do that walk for ages. Its very popular but also like a lost time with the canal meandering along and people picnicking on the banks or gliding past on punts or like us just walking by.

Cambridgeshire is full of people either cycling or picnicking another cultural difference to where we lived before where a picnic might consist of a few sandwiches and a couple of cans of lager followed by a visit to the nearest pub. Here its a very organised affair with large beautiful wicker hampers (our local John Lewis has loads in stock). Rugs are laid out and wine coolers with bottles placed on the ground. the food always looks interesting with lots of home made salads and savouries with cakes to follow. You see whole generations of families sitting by the river bank or playing games or tying the punt to a bank while they all get out to picnic. Its like going back 50 years and I love it...going back to Wind in the Willows filled with the famous five.

Shakespeare in the garden

I keep re reading my posts from a year ago. We were incredibly sad and bereaved at losing Molly but at the same time excited and scared at the thought of moving home and getting into deeper debt. Doubts as to whether we should do it or not? Risk a comfortable but unsatisfactory life for a new life with new challenges but potentially new rewards.

Well here we are. I have my lovely private bedroom with the onsuite. I have the quiet and tidy sitting room for reading or watching tv or relaxing and I have my fantastic kitchen which opens out to the garden and with careful arrangement of indoor and outdoor plants it all feels a smooth transition from inside to out which was what I was dreaming of. Oh there is still more to do and always will be but in the main we both love it here.
Our lives have been 90% happier since moving here. Richard and I get along so much better and enjoy exploring the local area whether that be going on walks or bike rides (must increase these) or finding new places and pubs to eat in (must decrease these).
Just had a lovely weekend with Angela coming up for the shakespeare in the college gardens. We were in St John's and what a beautiful setting. It took us quite a while to find the right entrance and by accident wandered around the beautiful grounds, getting caught up in a wedding. People watching prior to the show was fun and awarding points for best picnic such as the group who bought a table and table cloth and the group who had the three courses and the very neat and handy drinks holders. The actual show was pretty good with some good acting although I do think Kate was miscast and should at least have been wearing proper support as her rather buxom figure reminded me of a nagging and fearful Peggy Mount than a vivacious and clever girl. It was also a shame that the misogyny in the play could not have been underminded somehow and it did jar with our 21st century expectations.

However sitting in the garden eating bread and drinking wine and watching a good play in good company in a lovely English summer evening will go down as one of my favourite times ever.
Yesterday was also good fun with Angela helping to put up pictures before we went to Burford Manor for a wander and then off to the Willow for a lovely lunch not too bothered by wasps which was lucky and then off to see the Bourne windmill which has been described as a Windmill on a stick. Very good fun. Home to see Angela off and then a quick nap before watching a bit of telly (the new Sherlock Holmes was excellent fun bringing old and new together) and then off to bed. A good weekend.
Today I have some leave as was expecting a Japanese student who due to unexepected cat allergy is not able to come along so we get the money without having to do the work but must be on reserve and available in case of emergencies.

So life is good. We are all healthy and generally happy although I do worry we are living beyond our means and there are dark clouds looming. All public services are facing a spending review and there are rumours that our paid hours will be reduced to 35 a week which will have an effect upon my monthly salary. The credit crunch that we first heard about almost three years ago (I remember driving through Marks Tey to meet with Greg when I was listening to a radio programme about American mortgages being defaulted etc) is now in danger of really effecting my standard of living which I bitterly resent. I was not a rich banker profiting from high rewards and bonuses. I'm just a poor public servant thats been trying to provide a good service for the public and in return expects to maintain my standard of living which is not high.

Anyway today is a good day and I might go into town for a wander around the sales or look at an exhibition or something nice.

Lucky me

I've just been reading a post written last August so almost a year ago which talks about our dreams for possibly moving and what I think or hope the house will be like. I talk about the kitchen being green with the french doors open to the patio where there will be pots and plants growing which gives the illusion of the garden coming into the house. I also talk about the kitchen being filled with books on cooking and gardening and having fresh flowers around. All this has come true. My dreams of how the kitchen would be are realised. I have the pots just outside and also indoor plants just inside so the garden green theme really does continue both inside and out.
I have the cooking books and gardening books stacked into baskets ready to dip into for inspiration. I have the flowers in a jug on the table just in front of me.

I also have the large airy bedroom with a nice onsuite ...I have my dream of living in the countryside in a community with lots of clubs and organisations. I belong to the WI and am shortly off to a full governing body meeting at the local school. So all my dreams and plans have happened. How very lucky I am ....and now what next? It just shows you that you can wish and make your dreams come true...so with this power in mind what should I wish and make happen next?
To keep my job or become rich some other way and so not have to work anymore would be good and perhaps the biggest worry at the moment.
All is not finished with the house and garden. The garden is barely begun really and the house needs lots of little things like pictures and mirrors put up and new curtains and oh lots and lots of materilistic things I don't really need.
In summary I have a lovely home in a lovely part of the country, the boys are good although I am worrying about both of them and fingers crossed all will be well. I have an interesting and relatively well paid job that I can work from home alot. I have my health. I have good friends who I share lovely times with such as this last weekend with Christine and John when it felt like a holiday. I have freedom with my car and confidence to try new things. I am a very lucky person and I am grateful for all of this and take nothing for granted.

C and F worries

Just a very quick post as I am rushing off to work but to say I am very worried and upset about C and F who look like they might be splitting up. Not because F wants to but because C is never satisfied and always looking for the something better. He's been the same since a baby when the health visitor said 'I don't think he liked being a baby'.
He learnt to walk before he was a year old because he hated crawling, he couldn't wait to leave school and earn money and ever since he has been searching and striving for the next big thing.
I've urged him to think of all he does have including the lovely, clever and kind F. Honestly what more does he want from a woman? She is beautiful and clever and obviously loves him.
I'll miss her from our family and worry that he might go completely off the rails without her to steady him and his drinking and self destructive behaviour could get dangerously out of hand...but then I hear myself exaggerating slightly.
I do hope he sees a good way through his unhappiness and all can be well again.
Bloody kids you do really never stop worrying do you?

emails hacked into!!

Some bloody virus thingy got into my email account and sent an email to all my contacts!! Including old yot contacts, police, members of the womens' institute and old friends who are no longer so friendly. I feel very embarrassed and worried that it may cause further problems.
Woke up to that worry on top of yesterdays worry caused by myself telling a work colleague to take a 'chill pill' in an email that had been copied into a lead body. Needless to say the work colleague has made an official complaint...my first in my career.
The annoying thing was as I sent it I knew it would cause problems and I knew I was making mischief so why did I do it? Do I have a destruct button or a something that wants to break what I have so carefully nurtured all these years which is a good professional approach to work? All in jeapardy because basically I was showing off in front of others.

Anyway the day has been long and challenging with lots of mediating and arbitrating between groups today and although the weather has been gloriously sunny and bright I am now tired and sticky and bit headachy. I might go and see if there is some wine although I fear I may just fall fast asleep.

A holiday whilst being at home

I'd felt dissapointed that Jayne did not come down or up on Friday even though I had predicted that she wouldn't come I still felt upset and hurt. Since the girls had their babies they are her entire world. She lives with them alternately, either by them sharing her bed in her home or her visiting them and sharing their bed in their homes. She never ever spends a night alone or cooks dinner just for herself. I see my boys about once a month may be a little more and may be a little less and I am not saying its ideal but due to distance and stuff and anyway it suits them but I wonder how she would cope. She would hate it and I guess her life will be very different from mine in continuing ways. Have to get used to the fact that another chapter has closed.

Once I got over the fidgety feel the weekend was fine. In fact it was more than fine it was like a little holiday. We eventually went out on Saturday and visited a Raptor centre and watched a display of birds of prey which was pretty good. The falcons and other birds were amazing and its lovely and awe inspiring to see them up close, made me feel quite emotional.
We followed this by a short trip and quick walk around St Ives and looked at the river. Lots of people were enjoying this first real warm weekend by sitting by the river and enjoying a drink. It was all very pleasant and civilised and St Ives is a lovely sleepy riverside town with a statue of Oliver Cromwell in the middle.
Yesterday we got the bus to Cambridge and had a wander around the craft market and a nice lunch in the Eagle. Cambridge was lovely with lots of bustle and hustle and music playing outside and the blossom on the trees, gorgeous.
We finished the weekend by doing some long needed housework together.
I felt like I had been on holiday without having to leave my lovely new home.
I must have looked rested as people commented today on how relaxed I looked and had I been on holiday? So it must be doing me good which is also good.

Been reading up on the fens tonight and might target one of our days out over there soon. I am worried this summer is going to whizz by and I almost resent having to leave home to visit other people. I have already put off a visit to Christine and John and the Whitings and of course different friends and family and can't keep putting people off. I expect the novelty of living here will wane but I want to enjoy it whilst the weather is lovely. Also got two weekends away when I take me mother on holiday...boo hoo.

Feeling vaguely dissatisfied and fidgety. I've scanned through old posts because I do recognise that this is not a new feeling for me and that its a pretty regular occurrance and one that I know will pass. I find inviting people to the house and keeping busykeeps this feeling at bay and weekends like this one looming ahead with no visitors coming (Jay let me down and I've now decided not to ever try and ask her to come again now) anyway tonight Friday I feel fidgety.

I am debating between doing all the housework that needs doing tonight to going on a brief but bracing walk to slouching and watching tv to actually going to bed and reading and having an early night. I don't really want the last two so its a toss of the coin as to the fist two...hold on.

It was heads I go for a walk. Who knows I may come back and then do housework as well.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be feeling better after all I have a lovely house in a lovely area.

We'll probably pop into Cambridge for a wander and I do have some plants to plant and books to read and generally can relax I just need to get into a relaxation mode.
Right off for the walk before it gets dark

Fat and still eating crisps

Why is it that even though I hate how fat I have become, that when I try on clothes from my wardrobe nothing looks right and I look about eight months pregnant and that despite telling myself I must eat sensibly and cut out rubbish despite all this I find myself eating a large, family size packet of cheese and onion crisps!! I'm not even hungry but rather bored and even knowing I will regret every mouthful I still eat more.

The weather has at last changed for the better and part of me wants to get out into my builders rubble and start turning it into a garden and the other feels compelled to sit indoors almost pretending to work or at least be available to work. If I am going to scam off work why at least don't I just enjoy it and do it properly that way I would'nt resort to eating and sleeping the day away.

I just don't seem to be able to focus on work properly at the moment. I think I need a proper working environment or a deadline.

On another note I still love living here. We had a lovely weekend. Didn't have anyone down which is a first for a long time. Richard and I went into town and had a wander, bought some plants and things for the garden, had a nice lunch at Giraffes. There is so much choice of places to buy lunch from in Cambridge.
Yesterday Richard entered into a local race and was joined by a running friend who came over from Marlow and bought with him a bottle of wine and some chocolates for me which was nice. I moved the bins and sat in the sun looking at the mud and planning where to put plants and grass and stuff although as per usual I am impatient for the garden to look nice NOW!!

Joining in

Well I have phoned the WI today and will be attending my first meeting this week in the Hub. Apparently they have quite an older crowd so the woman on the other end of the phone told me little realising that she was speaking to a 52 year old who cannot claim to be young herself. I smiled to myself really but after hearing that the average age is retirement I think I might possibly fit into the middle category which isn't too bad.

Weather has been glorious and I have been trying and mostly succeeding in going for a walk/run each day and started my bloggers diary to chart improvements.

Spoke to mum on phone yesterday who wants me to go and stay with her but I told her I am not going to do that but that she can come here. When she says how hurt she feels I am so tempted to ask her or tell her that so you sew so shall you reap and that may be she should think about what she might have done to support us all these years. Why does she expect us to do what she didn't? But then shouldn't we be better people then this? I hate myself for all this negativity and will resolve to change...sooon.

I'll arrange to pick her up and bring her down here in April.

Grrrr

Well at least and at long last the weather has improved and along with brighter mornings and evenings it all feels a bit spring like. Its still cold but now we have that bright sunshiny cold that makes your heart sing with expectation. I think it makes the birds sing also as I ran/walked over by the lake today I could hear them in the long undergrowth all chirruping away. If you didn't feel the cold you could mistake the day for a hot day in July it was that sort of bird song, it carries in the air and makes you realise you are a visitor to their world.

Ri and I bumble along from one row and disagreement to another. Old habits are hard to break and he is either getting on my nerves with his completely boring conversations which revolve around who is parking where, or how the traffic lights are always red when he comes through or other equally boring and mind numbing and sometimes negative stuff. He never ever looks on the positive. News stories are only there for him to feel better about himself and compare others lives in a negative way. A poor girl and her baby were murdered last week by her schizophrenic boyfriend, well why was she with him as he had mental health problems? He actually blamed the poor girl!
I tell myself that he needs to compare himself favourably to others in order to make himself feel better but its so hard to listen to that all time.

The other thing that happens is there will be some minor crisis and instead of reacting well to it we both fly off the handle each blaming the other and then it turns into a row that goes on and on and results in me slamming my bedroom door and him not talking or sulking which also results in him not eating what ever I have cooked.
God we are boths so infantile and I wish we could get out of these old old habits and change.

I should never have married him. I have nothing in common with him and find his funny odd ways strange and alien even after all this time.

Must look on the positive, must look on the positive.

He is generous and works hard.

Insomnia and muddy kittens

Two months here and the good ole insomnia creeps back. Like the Massive Attack song but slightly different, Insomnia creeps. For two nights I tossed and turned, the bed suddenly really uncomfortable, my back and neck aching, my jaws aching which leads me to wonder if I lay there clenching or grinding my teeth? My body and mind tired and although able to doze, suddenly finding myself pulled out of what was going to be a nice restorative sleep to a tense wakefullness. This goes on till gone four by which time I fall into an exhausted sleep only to be woken by the 6 0'clock alarm. And all when it was going so well here so far as sleep was concerned. Last night was good so I am hoping it was a blip or maybe the side affects of the menopause of which I must just must be going through although if I am I am fairly symptom free as I put down the absence of periods to the mirena coil fitted three years ago. I guess if the odd night of insomnia is all I have to complain about thats not too bad. Unlike my mum who started her 'change at 38' and even today I swear she still suffers and thats at 72!

Little Colin was castrated yesterday and came back home full of beans rather than all groggy or sore. He doesn't seem to have noticed his lack of little fuzzy black balls that had induced a rather masculine swagger albeit rather knock kneed that reminded me somehow of good old Mr V, maybe it was the blackness or maybe its the cheeky charm, the self assureness that he is good and should be allowed to either play with you whether you want him to grab you or not.

I've started to let him go out the front very occassionally and only when I have the time to follow him or be around. Generally he goes under my car but today and goodness knows how he did it he managed to get over next doors brick wall but of course he could not get back again.

TJ was barking and going frantic and even though I called poor little Colin he couldn't get back. I ended up going round the back and opening their gate and calling to him. He came running along all scared and covered in mud. I am not sure how he got so muddy but it was all over his tummy. I had to carry a wriggling kitten covered in mud in doors and then wash him with a wet flannel which I thought he might hate but he loved it. I think it took him back to being washed by his mum. As I type this he is sitting on the towel on the floor beside my chair, just starting to doze off. He is a little poppet and very distracting but we have grown to love him although I don't know how long he will be with us for I suspect Colin is just on loan.

A long cold winter

So this winter drags on and on. I could not live in Norway. Today the weather is foggy and icy. the weather forecast is for more sleet, snow, ice and fog and continuing this until next week or in other words for the foreseeable future.

I heard on the radio the other day that spring will be spectacular as we have had such a long cold winter but I don't know what they base this on. Surely more birds have died and more plants have died due to the cold and perhaps there will be less blossom not more as a result?

I keep saying spring must be only weeks away now surely and although the mornings are lighter and its light till 5 now this winter still seems to drag on and on and on and I can hardly imagine wearing light summer clothes and leaving doors open and sitting on the grass or listening to the sea and talking of which I am going to book a train trip to Cornwall for the spring right now.

Control

Turns out he didn't have a clue what I've been so cross about. Oh he understood I was cross and not talking to him. Well the clues were rather heavy like going to my room and shutting the door at nine without saying goodnight or anything and waiting till he was almost out the door in the morning before I came down.
When he asked if we were speaking (which was a pathetic question) I explained I was not not talking I was still upset from the weekend. As I thought he resorted to saying oh well we won't talk then.
Anyway to cut a long and depressing row later he didn't realise why I was cross and thought it was to do with him being stroppy about the Sat Nav on the way to driving Phil to the station!! I could barely even remember that little rudeness and it just paled into insignificance compared to the weekend of nastiness. I asked about the rest of the weekend and he could barely remember that. Explained it all away as being upset at missing the race and tiredness. But I know different. I could feel the personal way he dug continually at me. I could hear the pointed remarks and so could Phil and thats the horrible bit in that he creates a nasty atmosphere where he is digging at me in front of Phil and I try to cover it up to ease the atmosphere which in turn almost colludes with his poor behaviour. I feel almost like these 1950 housewives who don't want to rock the boat for fear of retribution or further trouble. But I am not a 1950 housewife and I bloody well refuse to behave like one. Sisters fought the fight for emancipation and equality and although its not quite there yet I will continue to fight my cause. What was the old slogan the personal is political.

Anyway he certainly knows now. He also knows that I am saying I am not making any further decisions as they are all wrong so let him get on with it...although here I know in my heart I am being disengenis as I like making the decisions and don't like his at all. This leads me to reflect that I am probably too controlling. For example he bought home a nasty cheap little coat hoot rack. Cheap in something like £2.99 and looks it. I don't want that in my nice house and anyway put a couple of coats and the whole thing would snap. I tell him basically its horrible and what I am saying is your decision is crap like this coat hook. YOu are crap at making decisions even about coat hooks so don't try anything more complicated. No wonder he seeks revenge at opportune moments. No wonder he finds my achillies heel of protecting the boys from our misery and exploits this. This is the only power he has.
So although I am saying to him all decisions are now his as everything I do is wrong, what I am really saying is 'suffer now'. Make stupid mistakes and you will and then come running back with all your mistakes and I will have to mop up any messes you make like I always do.'

This is not a nice thought and if I am really doing this and there is a concern that too much reflection and naval gazing just leads round in dissapearing circles, then I am not a nice person and that maybe a lessing of my control might make a happier Richard who in turn might just might be a reasonable and nice person all the time, even when the boys are here.

After the highs comes the low

Oh dear after all the highs we hit a low and its hard to see if this is a temporary low or just a return to normality. I do know however that I don't want it to stay like this and I hate feeling tense and miserable.



I suppose it started to show the cracks the weekend Christine and John came to visit which was last weekend. I felt a bit tense and I was aware as I am always when introducing Richard to new people at just how awkward he is, how poor his social skills are and how he often misses the point of the conversation or goes off on a tangent. However recently I have been making huge allowances and comparing him to other people who also go off on tangents, and who also have not brilliant social skills or tell boring stories. I had convinced myself he wasn't so different from many people and that in deed it was a test of other peoples tolerance and acceptance of difference if they treated Richard well despite all these difficulties.



Christine and John should have been fine and indeed on the surface it was fine although I noticed little things like Richard at one point referring to me as 'she' in a derogatory way which grated and he also started to challenge John about id cards which actually as a host you wouldn't do normally. After when I saw Christine and John they had obviously been discussing us and said like lots of have said in the past 'what drew you both together?' What do you have in common? How can two so very different people have anything in common? Why did you get married? Christine also described him as boundariless and that the marriage was brilliant for him and a disaster for me.

It was all said in a supportive way but left me feeling someone had burst my bubble. People still did see him for all his faults. If the two most tolerant and liberal and accepting of people still found Richard more of a challenge than a pleasure or interesting then it sort of made me feel I was fooling myself. So I felt mildly depressed all week. A bit where do I go from here? Sort of feeling.

Then this last weekend Phil came to stay and we sat down to eat Friday night and Richard started nit picking and finding faults and generally being his old nasty way. He criticised or contradicated every thing I said and generally was a pig. I seethed and the next day when we were alone verbally flew at him, asking him to change his ways and stop doing that in front of Phil or anyone.
From there the weekend went from bad to worse and culuminated in me not speaking to him on the way home from dropping Phil off at the station and just going straight to bed.

Why does he do it? Why does he make meal times a war zone, critising and just sitting there obviously miserable and not trying to make an effort and chat nicely but instead criticises Phil for having butter or pepper or some such crappy things. We don't all want to live in his austere way!!

Today I sent him a text saying I didn't want to live in animosty and neither do I want the boys to witness our unhappiness so could he let me know what he was going to do? Got no answer but a text came through later saying we have a potential tenant for the old house. Tonight he came home all jolly talking about the new tenant and the jobs still left to do at the old house. Brought my coat up and offered to make me a drink or take me out running. All very nice and could be interpreted as peace offering but it don't make up for being horrible all weekend and particularly in front of Phil which is what upsets me the most. When the boys come here I want them to feel comfortable and happy to return not feel like they are in the middle of a war zone and both parents sniping at the sides with me feeling so miserable and tense I cant eat and Richard going into a decline that sends him to sleep.

So what do I do? Carry on and find opportunties to try and talk rationally about how he makes me feel when he behaves like he does and put it down as a 'training opportunity'. Or do we just live in animosity. Oh I wish I was in a proper marriage to someone I could love and respect not someone I feel might at anytime upset whoever he is currently talking to when he comes out with the stupid or crass comment.
I really do believe he has some kind of social skill deficiet and Christine confirmed that for me as well.

Oh well maybe we feel like this because things have been good although its all been hard work and this bloody winter just drags on and on with more snow forecast, and roads permanently icy and the sky permanently grey and cold. Maybe we just need signs of spring.

Cleaning

This has been the first weekend since we moved in that no one has come to visit or stay! However Richard has been backward and forward to old house and is now really tired. He must feel like his whole weekend has been about work and now he has a wholenew week of work ahead. I am glad we are paying to get the old house decorated as we never would have had it done in any kind of realistic time. Then we have to get the thing rented out and get it starting to make us some proper money.

Its been such a bright and sunny weekend but I've wasted it either going to old house or cleaning new house. I do have to keep on top of the housework here as I have promised myself this will stay clean and tidy so I am religious about cleaning it thoroughly at least once a week although I do have to regularly hoover and clean the kitchen much more often than that. Who would have thought two adults who are fairly sedentary and two cats could create so much dust and stuff for there it all is inside the hoover proving we shed too many hairs and skin cells.

Busy

Busy busy busy but all good. Weather cold and grey but house warm and lovely. Work busy but interesting and never dull although it does get very stressful at times never doing anything properly and always always feeling behind and that I have not answered people's emails etc. But I am working fairly long hours. Its half six now and only just finished although I do drive in the middle of the day which I guess now takes up some longer time although today I got home in about 4o minutes which was good.

Got a quote to do the old house up for £11,000. Now the question is will Richard think this is good and save us keep going there to bodge things up or will he think like me its worth it to get it done to a good standard and not have to keep going back? Hopefully the latter and especially as they can start on Monday. Fingers crossed.

Got a lovely card from Jackie today. No reference to the card I sent which basically apologised and said how much I regretted losing her friendship all those years ago but it was a lovely card with warm thoughts and messages inside. I am not sure what to do now and suppose I have to leave things to her although I am tempted to ask her if she would like to stay in touch or for me to leave her alone? That is my biggest regret in life losing her friendship. I know she aggravated me often but she was my oldest friend and for a stupid moment of losing my temper I have lost a very dear friend. A hard lesson but one which I hope I have learnt never to take friendships for granted again.

Right off to cook tea and meanader about this evening...I need the spring and summer to start on the garden now although with the few pots I have rescued from the old house this little garden already has some green shoots of spring bulbs appearing which is great. All we need is a few birds and all will be on the way.

Busy weekend

What a busy weekend. Phil came back with Richard on Friday night and we watched District 9. Next day Angela came over and we got the bus to Cambridge and had a mooch around the town, mixing the shopping with cultural with coffee and cakes and veggi lunches. Yesterday was housework day and then a walk around discovering the lakes and wildlife which was lovely and something I had been really looking forward to finding out about. Then yesterday evening Jayne and Lorraine came over and we had dinner and wine and chatted in the kitchen till late then this morning more relaxing in the kitchen at breakfast followed by cold winter walk around lakes then shopping in Morrisons and back here for winter veg soup and cake and then they went home about 3 ish. I went and did more shopping and now cooked dinners for the next couple of days.

More business to follow with getting work quotes on old house, general workiness and then next weekend work on old house and following weekend more visitors. I owe several phone calls to different people and must catch up...life is good.

I was worried how the girlies might be here and that they would be critical but they were not and it was lovely sitting in pajamas just chilling and chatting. They are coming back at the end of Feb so thats good and as the spring emerges and turns to summer visits can only get even more relaxing and enjoyable.

Worried about our Colin

I'm a bit worried about our Colin. His balance is not right. At first I just thought he was being a wobbly kitten but its more than that. If you stroke him along his back he more or less falls down. He can't jump down from high places and even jumping from my lap onto the floor he fell over. Admittedly I was at the breakfast stool but even so he shouldn't have toppled the way he did and I don't ever remember any of the other kittens we have had doing similar.
Then when he is racing around or chasing somthing he is as right as rain but when he walks he looks all knocked kneed and bandy. Poor little Colin. He is off to the vets on Saturday for an injection and I will ask them to have a look at him then....more expense.

I am also worried as the county councils now seem to be announcing job cuts. Cambridge today and soon its bound to be Essex and then who knows if my job will be safe? Thats a big worry especially with our new lovely house.

We went to Cambridge the other day as they were celabrating 900 hundred years of being a college city and had all lights and art shone onto the college walls. So Kings College Chapel was covered in a strange concoction of lights with music accompanying it. It was a lovely clear fairly mild night and it was good to feel part of the local community which was made up of all ages, children to pensioners all wanting to enjoy this event. I couldn't help compare it to where we have just moved from which in itself would be difficult as they don't have things like that there and if they did it would have the local dj blaring out pop music with gangs of kids with tins of beer and the fair in the back ground and the smell of hot dogs etc and underneath it all the air of slight menace, that somehow and almost in the blink of an eye someone could just turn. You might not know why or how but suddenly you could find yourself in a confrontation with someone you don't even know.

This happened to Richard and I once years ago when we were both only about 17 and out for a drink in the pub when I suddenly became aware that the group of blokes near us were saying things about us in loud voices. We tried to ignore them for ages, pretending it wasn't happening but it was. We decided to leave the pub and as we did they went out the other door and met us in the shopping centre. They trumped up some made up story but really they were looking for a fight and Richard was no fighter nor built for it. It was a horrible experience and the song Lazy like Sunday morning always brings back those memories. I don't think I had realised till now that that experience was always with me whenever we went out after that. I always expected them to find us and start again or if not them someone else and like I said that air of menance was always present in that town. Moving here and enjoying a different vibe is wonderful and hopefully will mean we can enjoy more such evenings.

The first thing I notice when the car stops and even before I get out of the car, is the wind. The sound of the wind and then when you get out the feel of the wind. No matter what time of year and even on our first visit to the show house I noticed the stiff summer breeze or light wind. Its not unpleasant in fact I like to feel the air rushing around me and up here it feels fresh and clean and new.
The second thing I notice is the quietness. No cars, or not many, no sirens and no heavy transport noise, no airplanes and no people really although of course the close will grow as the new houses are completed and new families move in. I do hope that the quietness continues though as much as possible.

So here we are at about the four weeks stage of living here and both still really loving it and eager to explore the area around us. Granchester is just up the road and I read yesterday about their link to Rupert Brooke and the clock at three and can we have honey for tea. Richard wants to visit there but today we have to go back to the old house to pull up carpets and clean and get ready to paint. Niether of us want to do this but the old house is costing us money instead of making us money and we have to be resolved and sensible although the tempation on this horrible rainy and windy day is have the day off for fun.

After all work is quite hard and with increased travelling we both need some time off. I have done over a hundred miles a day and although I feel fine all that sitting around in cars is not good exercise so with that in mind perhaps we do need to go and do some physical like hard heavy cleaning and decorating.

New Year remorse

The shame of it was that after writing so positively about hopes for the new year I let myself down badly on new years eve by being so cross with R for being late home. I was horrible and nasty and all in front of Chris and Fiona which of course created a horrible atmosphere which really spoilt the dinner I had spent all day long preparing and the atmosphere continued until just after midnight when we went into next doors till about 3 am.
Following this Chris and I had a long chat and he let me know how uncomfortable he and Fiona find it when R and I argue and actually he is hinting quite strongly that they won't come round much if it continues. I don't blame him. We both behaved terribly and like small children arguing. Now with hindsight I can see I should have stopped, should have been charming and lovely but instead I was so unhappy at the thought of all my preparations going to waste that was all I could think about and in fact I contributed myself to wasting my own preparations instead of recovering the situation I made it worse.

R and I have spoken and have apologised but I still feel so regretful and remorseful of my behaviour and really hope it does not damage our relationship with Chris and Fiona. I can't help feeling we spoilt their new years eve and it really is a priviledge that they chose to spend it with us.

I thought I would give R a crash course on being a host and get him to practice looking after people such as serving them first etc rather than behaving like a spoilt child which just brings out the grumpy parent in me. We must do better next time not just slightly better but a hundred per cent better.

New years day was better and we despite hangovers managed to get out to Cambridge for a winters walk around the cobbled streets and had a lovely hot chocolate in a little coffee shop.

R and I went back for more shopping and and meandering the next day and again went to the little coffee shop, Benets which we both now like enormously to just sit and chill and relax. Its not a big chain and you can sit and read the papers or just chat. I just love the thought of being local to Cambridge now with all its history and differnt things going on. I love driving in and seeing the beautiful architecture and feeling a sense that this belongs to me now. We both love the house and generally are much much happier with plenty of space to move and be ourselves.

The last couple of days I have walked down to Morrisons in the afternoon and I am excited by the prospect of exporing the nature reserve bits I have seen. The other day as the light faded I heard an owl hooting in the little woods which was very special.

Not many if any local garden birds around the house though. I have put out seed but no takers so far. It may be because there are no trees or bushes for them to roost or shelter in or even find food and once more people move in and develop their gardens so the wildlife may follow, hopefully.

Its a funny day today because it seems the whole country is affected by snow with thousands of schools closed and roads blocked off and reports of people being stranded. In anticipation I cancelled the area partnership meetings and then woke here to find not a single snow flake! Richard has phoned from work to say they are all being sent home early at 1 0'clock lunch time and yet here although the sky is grey we have nothing, zilch, nada! Heavy snow is forecast and we seem to be entering an ice age but for the moment here in this little corner of Cambridgeshire all is wintry and grey but no snow.