Happiness is up to date syncing

Mr V popped round earlier in the week and a very nice, hot and steamy time was had by all...so nothing much changed from before I was 50 then?



Which feels good for the self esteem plus Mr H who I saw today said I looked radiant and was there a reason?



How flattering that two very nice men, one more physically gorgeous than the other and the other more mentally attractive than the other both really like me...fat old me...la la la!!!



Lots of fairly good stuff as well such as new little car which is almost an automatic which completely threw me to start with but I am gradually getting used to, although yesterday I somehow managed to alter the dial that said miles per hour into kilometres per hour which completely through me and I had no idea of how fast or slow I was going especially as this car is quite deceptive and you can suddenly find yourself zooming along, only noticing because the mileometer tells you so. I was desperately trying to keep up with other traffic and praying they were not all speeding. If stopped I thought I would plead it was a new car and go all girly if a woman of my advanced years can go all girly or not?!!



Its very strange not changing gear or using a clutch and I have to tell myself right leg good left leg bad to stop me pressing the brake instead of some clutch pedal. You can feel it change gear for you which feels a bit strange and I seem to lurch occasionally almost as if the person changing gear is not doing it smoothly. I pretend there is a little person inside the bonnet changing gear for me, I just wish they would be a bit smoother.



R has been away for a week and comes back today and as usual its been lovely. So calm, quiet and tidy and although strangely I did almost miss him the first day I am dreading his return with all his mess and moans and funny ways.



The best news though is I now have a new iphone and can once again sync my phone and so be able to listen to all my podcasts and music once again. This news has made me happier than my new car or anything else this week as I have quite missed the iphone and syncing.



Saw Mr H for a quick lunch today. I was a bit hurt and grumpy as he turned up late and didn't want to make another date, I was hoping to lure him away for a holiday somewhere. He looked fit and healthy today so the bike ride did him good.

Oh well la di da

1958 a very good year

It seems that 1958 was the start of lots of things including, Madonna who was born the same year as me and I have to say is wearing better than I am with her taut 20 something body and multi million career. Also Barbie emerged again her body a bit unrealistic but when I was little I never had a Barbie or a Sindy but instead has a Tressy whose hair grew till you cut it and then it didn't grow anymore and she had a strange shape to her skull which made her look like she'd been having brain surgery.
Also 1958 was the start of the Carryon films with all their smutty jokes and double entres which today sound so innocent and the comfort of the regular cast that made them feel almost like family members. I can remember Mum and Dad talking about Sid James as if they were chatting to him only the other day whereas the reality was they never met him.

Our house is also 50 years old so there we are I am in with the in crowd after all!!

Decorating

Had a good weekend. Mostly doing housework but with a new shiney bathroom to clean and a bright decorated hall and new sofa's its all a pleasure rather than a pain. This year we have achieved a lot with all the above and at last the house is becomming something to feel proud of and be happy to invite peope in without worrying they may look down on us.

Which is ironic because this weekend I did just that myself of which I am not proud. I got chatting to the new couple across the road and they invited me in to see all the work they need to do and what a mess young Sarah left behind and it does look a mess. Its a bit like my house was before we did the kitchen or anything else but with added smokiness for added effect. Such a shame really because years ago I remember going in to see Anne and Arthur and thinking how nice and cosy their house was and how lovely the garden was. Now where Sarah has ripped out all trace of Anne and Arthur and left nothing but unusable rubbish behind. Skirting taken out, radiator ripped off with pipes left behind, kitchen ceilings sagging and the whole thing just looks and smells a mess. Made me see how far we have come now.

Then last night I was trying to reassure Joyce that Bill and Jean have come to see her not criticise her lack of decorating or gardening and all the time I am thinking I would be just as worried if I was her about what people might think.
The thing is we do judge people. I was set a very high standard by my own parents and have resisted myself untill fairly recently but if I go into a house and its dirty or unkempt I do make a judgement about that person whether thats fair or not. Your home is a reflection of yourself so when Richard wants to bring the bike and store it in the living room I am aware we come from two different backgrounds and that his standard is different from mine not to say mine is better but it is.

Feeling low

The bathroom is almost complete except for the fawlty shower that needs a part replacing and it looks great. Got to get a blind fitted and all will be perfect. Phot to come.

As for the rest of my life ...well I have an interesting job, some friends, excellent sons and good family, a new car on its way, my health and independence an exciting, gorgeous lover (yes he persuaded me to come back and he was lovely) and yet, and yet I feel fed up, depressed and tired.

Maybe its a mid life crisis or maybe its a reaction to the fact I feel I've lost some good friends and probably through my own behaviour. If only I had not been so dissaproving of Ja and her daugthers she wouldn;t have removed herself, if only I had not been so distracted with work I woulnt have lost so much contact. Either way I feel bereft and lost and abandoned. I feel sad.

Oh I could make new friends and actually I am good at making friends its just keeping them for a few years I find difficult. Jackie I lost contact with after more than thirty years and now J after more than 20 years so its not as if they are short term friendships but these are people I have known for years and then they suddenly fade away. Being reflective I have to look at myself and I guess I conclude I should keep my temper and not get so indignant. I nearly got all stroppy with PH today but reminded myself that it does me no good in the long run.

I am not sure I can do anything to save the two friendships I have mentioned above but will be available for them should they decide to come back and in the meantime I have to look for others to replace those and I will find them. Even tomorrow I am off to Bas to do some silly its a knock out for work with work colleagues, people I didn;t know this time last year and one of them could be a new friend.....you never know. Onward and upward and shake off the blues and think about all I have got,

The start of the fabulous 50's.

The big Five O is today and I woke feeling okay. I am often filled with despair and dread at the thought of something and yet when the dreaded event arrives I just get on with it. Its almost as if I do my sadness and coming to terms before the event and am okay after.

Got up and opened some cards, Phil got me a lovely card with a gardening things on the front and a bottle of pink champagne which is nice. I went to Chris and saw him and had a shower, we later met for lunch which was nice although the food and restuarant itself was a bit crappy.

I've spent the rest of the day looking at tile borders and spending a fortune on bathroom stuff such as nice towels and soap dishes.

Today we have a sink as well as the toilet and bath, just the shower and towell rail to go in plus the tiles.

Last night was nice as Jane had decorated the table with little 50's and I had a nice balloon. No one knew at work that it was my birthday and I guess this was my fault for keeping it quiet so that will teach me. Linda and Sharon got me a little something which was sweet of them so all in all I can't complain.

Am knackered now.

I've decided the 50's are going to be fabulous, no messing around just fabulous darling.

Never say you want a quiet birthday

I'm terrible because for ages I tell myself I don't want a fuss. I don't want anyone to notice and I do want to be left alone to just have a normal day and then when that happens and no one does notice and nothing does happen and no fuss is made I get upset!!

I have kept wondering if there was going to be some kind of surprise, if the Early Years Partnership would spring out a bunch of flowers or I would have the red display around my desk or that Denise and Jill would do something or that the other CCDO's would have sent something but no its all been decidedly low key and well...nothing much. I did get a lovely surprise courtesyof the South team last week which was lovely and Sally has sent me a card and with the grant request forms there was a little card but other than that zilch and after all it is a special birthday. Even Claridges has turned into a meal at 9.30!!!! in Sawbridgeworth...even the card my mum has sent was over the price of her second class stamp so there should have been another £115 to pay. Its all really quite funny...be careful what you wish for. Next year I am going big and announcing about May time that I want a huge fuss...maybe I could get away with being 49 again this year and have the big celebration next year...thats what I will do...they will get it right then....at least Molly loves me.

As I talk she is laying in my arms with her claws scratching me and rubbing her cold lovely nose onto my bare arm and purring away.

Anyway day three of the bathroom and we now have a toilet and a bath. Phil was the first one to use the new bath and after making some creaking noises he reported that it was fine. I've just had a nice bath myself and keep imagining what it will all look like nicely tiled and clean. I can't wait.

Bathroom man wants another 50% of the money today which feels a bit scary as we only have 10% left to pay and say if he runs away and never finishes the job properly and so although I tell R that this is not acceptable I find myself meekly agreeing when I speak to the bathroom man myself.

Hot and tired

Having the bathroom done in late June early July was a good idea. The weather has been gorgeous so far and you don't mind whizzing around to different places just to have a shower and so last night Phil went to Chris to shower and this morning Richard went to the gym and I went to Chris. I was in and out of his in about 30 mins..mind you by the time I start work I'd been shopping, dropped Phil off at work, done some washing and hung it out to dry and been to Chris so I feel slightly tired by the time I start ordinairy work and it was very difficult to feel engaged with what I should have been doing.

I popped home at lunch time to sit in the garden and see if everything was going well and I found myself almost doing a time and motion study. What time did they start, how long was he going to be on the phone, what time would they finish, did they want a lunch break etc etc?! I was quite shocked at myself. Of course they need breaks and of course he can manage his own

time. I was shocked at how horrible I was feeling and pulled myself together.

Anyway came home tonight to see a new shiney bath full of water...thats to help the bath to settle and apparently we can have our first bath tonight after about 9ish!

Work was hard going today with the area partnership and general moans against Essex and complains about grants and stuff and I felt completely alone. I wanted to shout at them to stop whinging and moaning when it came to discussions about the Children Centre Conference oh for goodness sake do it yourself!!

I think my birthday has dissapeared as no one in the Treehouse even really mentioned it and at the early years partnership no one knew a thing. God I think I am so important don't I? Maybe I should have arranged something myself..but there you go.

One day left in the forties and then I will be a woman who must be in her 50's!! ie old