Control

Turns out he didn't have a clue what I've been so cross about. Oh he understood I was cross and not talking to him. Well the clues were rather heavy like going to my room and shutting the door at nine without saying goodnight or anything and waiting till he was almost out the door in the morning before I came down.
When he asked if we were speaking (which was a pathetic question) I explained I was not not talking I was still upset from the weekend. As I thought he resorted to saying oh well we won't talk then.
Anyway to cut a long and depressing row later he didn't realise why I was cross and thought it was to do with him being stroppy about the Sat Nav on the way to driving Phil to the station!! I could barely even remember that little rudeness and it just paled into insignificance compared to the weekend of nastiness. I asked about the rest of the weekend and he could barely remember that. Explained it all away as being upset at missing the race and tiredness. But I know different. I could feel the personal way he dug continually at me. I could hear the pointed remarks and so could Phil and thats the horrible bit in that he creates a nasty atmosphere where he is digging at me in front of Phil and I try to cover it up to ease the atmosphere which in turn almost colludes with his poor behaviour. I feel almost like these 1950 housewives who don't want to rock the boat for fear of retribution or further trouble. But I am not a 1950 housewife and I bloody well refuse to behave like one. Sisters fought the fight for emancipation and equality and although its not quite there yet I will continue to fight my cause. What was the old slogan the personal is political.

Anyway he certainly knows now. He also knows that I am saying I am not making any further decisions as they are all wrong so let him get on with it...although here I know in my heart I am being disengenis as I like making the decisions and don't like his at all. This leads me to reflect that I am probably too controlling. For example he bought home a nasty cheap little coat hoot rack. Cheap in something like £2.99 and looks it. I don't want that in my nice house and anyway put a couple of coats and the whole thing would snap. I tell him basically its horrible and what I am saying is your decision is crap like this coat hook. YOu are crap at making decisions even about coat hooks so don't try anything more complicated. No wonder he seeks revenge at opportune moments. No wonder he finds my achillies heel of protecting the boys from our misery and exploits this. This is the only power he has.
So although I am saying to him all decisions are now his as everything I do is wrong, what I am really saying is 'suffer now'. Make stupid mistakes and you will and then come running back with all your mistakes and I will have to mop up any messes you make like I always do.'

This is not a nice thought and if I am really doing this and there is a concern that too much reflection and naval gazing just leads round in dissapearing circles, then I am not a nice person and that maybe a lessing of my control might make a happier Richard who in turn might just might be a reasonable and nice person all the time, even when the boys are here.