On an almost sudden impulse (it would have been completely sudden but I have daydreamed doing this already but sort of dismissed it as impractical etc) I've invited PH down to Cornwall when I go for the new year!!
I wonder what his response might be. I have a sneaky feeling he is seeing someone anyway which is why he has not really contacted me much or pressed for us to meet lately and so he might just say no for that reason which would be fair enough but might leave me feeling both rejected and regretful that I didn't do something earlier.
Then again he might say yes in which case I shall worry about the logistics and whether I introduce him to Chris and Ray and I shall also worry about what his and my own expectations might be.
If he says no then fine, I'll just feel slightly embarrassed but not too much as he is dear man who will let me down gently I know this and if he says yes then I will decide to take it as it comes and just see what occurs.
Is this another life changing decision? Time will tell.
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Monday, 11 August 2008
Letter to Fiz
First off it was lovely to hear from you. Time passes so quickly and it is just about a year since I popped down to see you when we had the shed party!!
It sounds like you have had a pretty traumatic time with your health and I hope the last test with the oncologist was all clear, let me know.
It was strange that the week I was actually thinking of coming to Bris (a friend of mine knows someone in the Bristol area and we were going to make a flying visit to see the balloon festival, and of course I was going to suggest we meet up) was the very week you sent me this email, but like I said our brains do tend to morph when we are together...and I miss that and being silly and playing.
For I have been extremely sensible this last year. Who would have thought that child care and early years could be so political and stressful? All my job consists of is endless meetings, visiting pre schools and nurseries and out of school clubs and making sure they are doing what they should be doing, helping them access funding and generally being the first person they call in an emergency, plus I am looking after the development of children centres in both and One of those areas is like Bristol with all the deprivation and problems and the other is all countryside and little villages with mostly quite well off people but pockets of deprivation. Tomorrow I am off to look at potential sites for new children centres and that will be fun, wearing hard hats and going to site meetings and generally watching an idea turn into a building and then to be filled with babies and families, thats the rewarding bit of my job. The horrible bit is the childcare audit which is all data collecting and finding out how much child care we actually have in ...that bit I hate.
Being so absorbed in work has meant I have excluded lots of other things including holidays, going out and sadly friends. For the first few months I jsut could not stop thinking about work, waking in the night and early morning and when I wasn't doing that I was just exhausted. Thankfully I seem to be getting that in to persective now, but unfortuanately all the invitations to go out that I refused has offended some people who saw it as a rejection of them rather than me not being able to cope and so now I find I am on a kind of catch up with friends which is a bit sad as I would have hoped they woudl have understood but there you go.
One good thing that has come out of my isolation is I have become quite a homebody and have been doing more decorating and gardening and generally being quite happy pottering around at home, the result is that this year we have done the bathroom, the hall and are just tackling the bedrooms. Instead of feeling embarrassed about my house and hating being here it is now more of a refuge and I love pottering in the garden with the cats or watching a film with son number 2 and a bottle of wine.
So my hetic lifestyle has mellowed which is perhaps down to finally admitting my age or perhaps just being happy with simple things. I am still seeing the same man I was when I came to you. I remembered he had a tantrum because I wouldn;t leave yours and drive to see him at a moments notice and he did sulk for a couple of weeks but I never regretted saying no and he soon came back again. Infact along with everything else I even tried cutting him out of my life. Since Christmas I have felt fat and ugly and so unattractive and sexy and couldn't bare the thought of him rejecting me so I got in first and told him it was time to call it a day. He was great and we parted on very good terms only for three weeks later for him to start trying to persuade me to come back again and after at first resisting I did go back to him.
Our relationship is still mainly about sex but we do have a good friendship going and I know he cares about me as I do about him. He is like an old friend who I have had such a good time with and love in a friendship kind of a way and most importantly I do still find him the most sexy man on the planet, I only have to see him and I sort of melt but as for having long conversations or a meeting of minds....thats yet to happen lol
The motorbike person came back again () and although I met him for lunch he just ended up irritating me with all his endless boasting and so I dropped him.
I also have another very dear man friend, P who is older than me and is a lovely, lovely man. We laugh and chat and just get along amazingly well but for me there is no sexual chemistry which is a shame because he could be the man to rescue me if I let him. He is fairly well off with a gorgeous little cottage in the countryside, interesting and very kind.
So I have one man for sex, one man for companionship and good discussions and one man to pay most of the bills ie my husband and talking of him we have been getting on a bit better since I have been staying in more and following a horrible row on Christmas eve I decided to call a truce and actually have been trying to be nicer and surprise surprise its paid off and we both get along much better.
So thats my messy life.
Both my sons are well, the eldest is probably going to move to Bri to live with his girlfriend soon and we'll all miss him being local but don't blame him as Bri is lovely and so is she.
The youngest, P is pottering around, working and socialising, I would like to see him with a nice girl friend but thats yet to happen although I think he has the odd one night stand and anyway he seems quite happy and really its none of my business but I am him mum and mums do worry don't we?
God I have rambled on havn't I? Its been quite cathartic so thank you
Now when are we going to meet up again? I might be coming to Bristol with the same friend the last week in August so I am not sure if you are around as you said you were away during the bank holiday week? We were thinking of coming down on the Thursday of that week , returning home on either Saturday or Sunday and if you are around it would be good to meet up. I'd love to introduce Jayne to you as she has heard so much about you and Tony over the years so let me know if you around or not.
Otherwise I might come and visit my aunt later in September or October and perhaps we could synchronise something then?
Anyways.....whenever we meet up we'll have fun and pick up from where we left off and have a laugh. I always did think Stru sounded fun. Did she ever meet up with Mag cos they had a very intense friendship at one time?
Say hello to Lilj for me and to everyone else of course. Can I ask how Lil is? She always wanted to get married and have children and she went through a horrible period when she sort of admitted to being an alcoholic and gave up the drink so I hope she is okay.
God we met some people through Ur didn't we and in such a short space in time...again my being a recluse has meant I have lost touch with all that.
Right I think I had better go now, hope this email doesn't give you a headache and if you ever want to just have a chat pick up the phone, I am often here on my own espeically during the day time although lots of evenings find just me and the cats.
Lots of love to you all, especially that big man of yours
Mwaaaaaa ooooh I feel all swollen up with love for you all and if I get anymore puffed up I'll take off like a hot air balloon so if you look out your window you might just see me waft gently by blowing you all kisses and kind thoughts/
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It sounds like you have had a pretty traumatic time with your health and I hope the last test with the oncologist was all clear, let me know.
It was strange that the week I was actually thinking of coming to Bris (a friend of mine knows someone in the Bristol area and we were going to make a flying visit to see the balloon festival, and of course I was going to suggest we meet up) was the very week you sent me this email, but like I said our brains do tend to morph when we are together...and I miss that and being silly and playing.
For I have been extremely sensible this last year. Who would have thought that child care and early years could be so political and stressful? All my job consists of is endless meetings, visiting pre schools and nurseries and out of school clubs and making sure they are doing what they should be doing, helping them access funding and generally being the first person they call in an emergency, plus I am looking after the development of children centres in both and One of those areas is like Bristol with all the deprivation and problems and the other is all countryside and little villages with mostly quite well off people but pockets of deprivation. Tomorrow I am off to look at potential sites for new children centres and that will be fun, wearing hard hats and going to site meetings and generally watching an idea turn into a building and then to be filled with babies and families, thats the rewarding bit of my job. The horrible bit is the childcare audit which is all data collecting and finding out how much child care we actually have in ...that bit I hate.
Being so absorbed in work has meant I have excluded lots of other things including holidays, going out and sadly friends. For the first few months I jsut could not stop thinking about work, waking in the night and early morning and when I wasn't doing that I was just exhausted. Thankfully I seem to be getting that in to persective now, but unfortuanately all the invitations to go out that I refused has offended some people who saw it as a rejection of them rather than me not being able to cope and so now I find I am on a kind of catch up with friends which is a bit sad as I would have hoped they woudl have understood but there you go.
One good thing that has come out of my isolation is I have become quite a homebody and have been doing more decorating and gardening and generally being quite happy pottering around at home, the result is that this year we have done the bathroom, the hall and are just tackling the bedrooms. Instead of feeling embarrassed about my house and hating being here it is now more of a refuge and I love pottering in the garden with the cats or watching a film with son number 2 and a bottle of wine.
So my hetic lifestyle has mellowed which is perhaps down to finally admitting my age or perhaps just being happy with simple things. I am still seeing the same man I was when I came to you. I remembered he had a tantrum because I wouldn;t leave yours and drive to see him at a moments notice and he did sulk for a couple of weeks but I never regretted saying no and he soon came back again. Infact along with everything else I even tried cutting him out of my life. Since Christmas I have felt fat and ugly and so unattractive and sexy and couldn't bare the thought of him rejecting me so I got in first and told him it was time to call it a day. He was great and we parted on very good terms only for three weeks later for him to start trying to persuade me to come back again and after at first resisting I did go back to him.
Our relationship is still mainly about sex but we do have a good friendship going and I know he cares about me as I do about him. He is like an old friend who I have had such a good time with and love in a friendship kind of a way and most importantly I do still find him the most sexy man on the planet, I only have to see him and I sort of melt but as for having long conversations or a meeting of minds....thats yet to happen lol
The motorbike person came back again () and although I met him for lunch he just ended up irritating me with all his endless boasting and so I dropped him.
I also have another very dear man friend, P who is older than me and is a lovely, lovely man. We laugh and chat and just get along amazingly well but for me there is no sexual chemistry which is a shame because he could be the man to rescue me if I let him. He is fairly well off with a gorgeous little cottage in the countryside, interesting and very kind.
So I have one man for sex, one man for companionship and good discussions and one man to pay most of the bills ie my husband and talking of him we have been getting on a bit better since I have been staying in more and following a horrible row on Christmas eve I decided to call a truce and actually have been trying to be nicer and surprise surprise its paid off and we both get along much better.
So thats my messy life.
Both my sons are well, the eldest is probably going to move to Bri to live with his girlfriend soon and we'll all miss him being local but don't blame him as Bri is lovely and so is she.
The youngest, P is pottering around, working and socialising, I would like to see him with a nice girl friend but thats yet to happen although I think he has the odd one night stand and anyway he seems quite happy and really its none of my business but I am him mum and mums do worry don't we?
God I have rambled on havn't I? Its been quite cathartic so thank you
Now when are we going to meet up again? I might be coming to Bristol with the same friend the last week in August so I am not sure if you are around as you said you were away during the bank holiday week? We were thinking of coming down on the Thursday of that week , returning home on either Saturday or Sunday and if you are around it would be good to meet up. I'd love to introduce Jayne to you as she has heard so much about you and Tony over the years so let me know if you around or not.
Otherwise I might come and visit my aunt later in September or October and perhaps we could synchronise something then?
Anyways.....whenever we meet up we'll have fun and pick up from where we left off and have a laugh. I always did think Stru sounded fun. Did she ever meet up with Mag cos they had a very intense friendship at one time?
Say hello to Lilj for me and to everyone else of course. Can I ask how Lil is? She always wanted to get married and have children and she went through a horrible period when she sort of admitted to being an alcoholic and gave up the drink so I hope she is okay.
God we met some people through Ur didn't we and in such a short space in time...again my being a recluse has meant I have lost touch with all that.
Right I think I had better go now, hope this email doesn't give you a headache and if you ever want to just have a chat pick up the phone, I am often here on my own espeically during the day time although lots of evenings find just me and the cats.
Lots of love to you all, especially that big man of yours
Mwaaaaaa ooooh I feel all swollen up with love for you all and if I get anymore puffed up I'll take off like a hot air balloon so if you look out your window you might just see me waft gently by blowing you all kisses and kind thoughts/
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday, 4 August 2008
Bloody families and piraton
Picked up K and set off to Southampton about 8.45ish. It was a wet and slow drive with volume of traffic preventing us from any kind of speed but we arrived safely and by 2 were at L's.
Mum had given her some money and she had bought some buffetty type of foods which were all okay but a bit bland and child orientated...however we had plenty to drink although I was in the kind of mood that it didn;t matter how much I drunk I was never more than slightly tipsey which was good.
We sat in the garden and once the sun came out it was lovely and warm and just chatted. We sat there till about 10 at night when K and Mum went home and we more or less went to bed. I was tired and looking forward to going to sleep and the next day going home.
I did enjoy the weekend but do find my family stressful. I am worried that any minute there will be a row and feel every slight or what I perceive to be a put down particularly from K. I am sure she doens't mean half of it but saying things like I am a dwarf really pisses me off and that when I helped by washign up at her barbeque last year all the things needed re washing...well do it your bloodyself then if its such a pain. It always feels like she has to put me down all the time, comments about cookers and stuff. Get off your bloody high horse and stop moaning that you live on your own and its eaiser for all us couples, well you decided to chuck P out not us!!!
Rant over
Today am feeling tired, got bites on face, hands and tops of legs so taken Piraton and I think its making me woozy so could sleep.
Not done any real work but watched telly all day and now feel its been such a waste and feel still tired so may go and go to bed.
Richard all moany at the moment and wants to move bedrooms with no planning or forethought which I think will lead to chaos..all this weekend J wants us to go to Bristol and now I want to stay at home for bedroom but am worried this will put the nail in the coffin of friendship with J!!!
Think I'll take another Piraton and increase wooziness.
Mum had given her some money and she had bought some buffetty type of foods which were all okay but a bit bland and child orientated...however we had plenty to drink although I was in the kind of mood that it didn;t matter how much I drunk I was never more than slightly tipsey which was good.
We sat in the garden and once the sun came out it was lovely and warm and just chatted. We sat there till about 10 at night when K and Mum went home and we more or less went to bed. I was tired and looking forward to going to sleep and the next day going home.
I did enjoy the weekend but do find my family stressful. I am worried that any minute there will be a row and feel every slight or what I perceive to be a put down particularly from K. I am sure she doens't mean half of it but saying things like I am a dwarf really pisses me off and that when I helped by washign up at her barbeque last year all the things needed re washing...well do it your bloodyself then if its such a pain. It always feels like she has to put me down all the time, comments about cookers and stuff. Get off your bloody high horse and stop moaning that you live on your own and its eaiser for all us couples, well you decided to chuck P out not us!!!
Rant over
Today am feeling tired, got bites on face, hands and tops of legs so taken Piraton and I think its making me woozy so could sleep.
Not done any real work but watched telly all day and now feel its been such a waste and feel still tired so may go and go to bed.
Richard all moany at the moment and wants to move bedrooms with no planning or forethought which I think will lead to chaos..all this weekend J wants us to go to Bristol and now I want to stay at home for bedroom but am worried this will put the nail in the coffin of friendship with J!!!
Think I'll take another Piraton and increase wooziness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)