She needs a mastectomy and they are investigating if she has the cancer in her other breast which might lead to a full mastectomy. So far she has been very brave and is facing it with great grit and composure long may it reign.
Lisa is depressed to think its all going to affect her own life and I am contemplating taking time out of my life to be available and its all a bit reluctant which in its turn is sad and depressing.
To be honest it all feels a bit remote and its not difficult to forget and just get on with life and then you remember that she is about to undergo a horrible and maiming procedure. I've said that when they find out when she is due to go for surgery I'll try and arrange a visit. It would be slightly weird if this does coincide with the dates I've booked on my train ticket...bigger things than we realise at work me thinks.
Right now I have Ed Milliband on the news making his first speech to the labourn party. It seems odd seeing this new generation taking over from Blair and Brown. I hate to say it but they seem too young. I remember thinking that all politicians were all old men and now I have reached the time in my life when they now seem too young!! Horible but at the same time quite comfortable as well. I don't think that our new Ed has quite the power of being able to make a good speech like Tone had or even Gordon really.
Had a lovely weekend with Chris and Fiona coming down on Saturday and saw all their 500 china photos. Then off to Cambridge for a tapas with our Phil to celebrate his birthday and dessert at the Copper Kettle. A nice night not spoilt by drunken rampages as Chris and Fiona went home the same night. Next day we all sat in watchig films whilst the rain came down outside and then a meal with Phil at De Luca a lovely Italian again in Cambridge...we must stop spending money on meals out as we are living way beyond our means.
Right off to cook tea and take an echania tablet as I can feel a cold coming on and I put it off a while ago with the drug.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Friday, 24 September 2010
Spider found lump
Potentially being saved by a spider is a bit ironic really seeing as my mum is petrified of even the tinest and most inoffensive but if she hadn't have got so hot and bothered trying to make sure it was not still within her nightie then she wouldnt have been rubbing and brushing herself and so not have found the lump in her breast.
She did all the right things in booking to see her doctor who then agreed she needed a very quick referral to hospital who following numerous tests on the Monday just past was diagnosed as having breast cancer in one breast with increased calcium in the other.
The next Monday we find out what kind of treatment she will need and from there I guess the three of us will make plans and try to get some control on something that we probably will have little control of.
We may make plans to visit or share the caring and timetable potential time off work but what we can't plan for even though we are all aware it will be there will be the unexpected. In our case the unexpected feelings and emotions. In our case it might consist of resentment of all the years of neglect and lack of maternal feelings that we all feel we suffered from. Karen seems to have forgiven her the most and phones her regularly for girly chats but note this when she was in her company for more than a couple of days all the old resentment and anger was still there. Lisa resents being left with someone who moans constantly and gives nothing by ways of emotional support to anyone but like a greedy baby bird just constantly demands. I resent being expected to do anything really as I feel emotionally cut off and only do anything out of a sense of duty and trying to support Lisa but even then I sort of feel that they encouraged Mum and Dad to travel down there and so must bear the consequences of this.
There is also the unexpected and slightly feared worry that the next few weeks and months might flare up hidden emotions and feelings that feel unbearable and thats a frightening thought.
I am also deeply worried that Karen is already becomming ill again caused by a combination of over work, worries about Mum and Jade's selfish behaviour. I do really hope and pray I am so wrong but listening to her on Monday with her rapid speech and paranoid thoughts about how other people might be behaving left me very very anxious. If she isn't ill she has a very poor view on her colleagues motivations which in itself is worrying.
So there we are. A lot of worry about more extended family. Family I have little to do with in most day to day life, but a family that impinges on me and stops me doing what I want to do and sometimes feels like I get very little back to be honest.
Karen has changed enormously in the last couple of years and is good fun to be with and we can have long chats. She is kind and enormously generous and I do love her but I don't think she understands me and assumes that I how I feel or my own motivations. I always feel I have to be on my guard with her and that she doesn't really understand me and still resents and is jealous of me.
Lisa I have fun with when I see them but that is not often. Again I do love her but don't see enough of.
Mum? Well thats old news and too much to post here today and then carryon with a productive day.
Here we go on another journey and it does give me some sense of comfort to know that one day when I read this I will know how the journey progressed and where the path led...I wonder if anyone or anything will hold my hand?
She did all the right things in booking to see her doctor who then agreed she needed a very quick referral to hospital who following numerous tests on the Monday just past was diagnosed as having breast cancer in one breast with increased calcium in the other.
The next Monday we find out what kind of treatment she will need and from there I guess the three of us will make plans and try to get some control on something that we probably will have little control of.
We may make plans to visit or share the caring and timetable potential time off work but what we can't plan for even though we are all aware it will be there will be the unexpected. In our case the unexpected feelings and emotions. In our case it might consist of resentment of all the years of neglect and lack of maternal feelings that we all feel we suffered from. Karen seems to have forgiven her the most and phones her regularly for girly chats but note this when she was in her company for more than a couple of days all the old resentment and anger was still there. Lisa resents being left with someone who moans constantly and gives nothing by ways of emotional support to anyone but like a greedy baby bird just constantly demands. I resent being expected to do anything really as I feel emotionally cut off and only do anything out of a sense of duty and trying to support Lisa but even then I sort of feel that they encouraged Mum and Dad to travel down there and so must bear the consequences of this.
There is also the unexpected and slightly feared worry that the next few weeks and months might flare up hidden emotions and feelings that feel unbearable and thats a frightening thought.
I am also deeply worried that Karen is already becomming ill again caused by a combination of over work, worries about Mum and Jade's selfish behaviour. I do really hope and pray I am so wrong but listening to her on Monday with her rapid speech and paranoid thoughts about how other people might be behaving left me very very anxious. If she isn't ill she has a very poor view on her colleagues motivations which in itself is worrying.
So there we are. A lot of worry about more extended family. Family I have little to do with in most day to day life, but a family that impinges on me and stops me doing what I want to do and sometimes feels like I get very little back to be honest.
Karen has changed enormously in the last couple of years and is good fun to be with and we can have long chats. She is kind and enormously generous and I do love her but I don't think she understands me and assumes that I how I feel or my own motivations. I always feel I have to be on my guard with her and that she doesn't really understand me and still resents and is jealous of me.
Lisa I have fun with when I see them but that is not often. Again I do love her but don't see enough of.
Mum? Well thats old news and too much to post here today and then carryon with a productive day.
Here we go on another journey and it does give me some sense of comfort to know that one day when I read this I will know how the journey progressed and where the path led...I wonder if anyone or anything will hold my hand?
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Heart bursting happiness
I have one night away from home and I can't wait to get back. As I drive into the town/village (from now on I shall call it a viwn) my heart beat actually increases so as I get nearer to the house I feel my heart will burst with happiness. This is a such a strange feeling for me and I do hope it continues and I never take coming home to such a lovely home for granted.
Sunday, 5 September 2010
The birds are coming!!
The birds are coming!! All very gradual but I can see definite signs of what might be yet to come.
When we first moved in and were marooned by the snow I put bird food out but nothing was taken and it just sat on the table undisturbed. The only signs of birds around the house were the occasional wag tail and some rook/crows which sat high on the building site cawing to each other. It all felt very desolate and horribly silent.
Visiting the old house during the spring I was amazed how just how loud the bird song was around there. I know I fed the birds and loved to hear the chaffinch and my favourite the blackbird but even so the loudness and variety around that little street is amazing really. I felt quite sad returning to our barren building site of bricks and concrete with little greenery.
We did hear and occasionally saw if you were quick the wonderful sky lark as they soared high above us near the lakes and fields singing out their territory and that made my heart sing. As spring moved on I saw the wagtail feeding her baby and watching it carefully which was lovely.
Then on Friday of this week a whole host, swarm, gang...large amount of swallows swooped by our little close. Diving and swooping at amazing speeeds catching the insects in the air. I watched them feeling very happy and hopeful that these are the fore runners of future birds that will visit us and perhaps stay? 'Welcome and come again' I said to them from my heart.
Today sitting eating breakfast in the garden I glanced up and saw a mighty prehistoric heron fly over probably on its way to the lakes but nonetheless passing my garden!
The surrounding gardens now have grass and plants, and some are planting trees. I am looking forward to the day when the spring dawn chorus wakes me up as it did in the old house. The birds are coming hurruh!!
When we first moved in and were marooned by the snow I put bird food out but nothing was taken and it just sat on the table undisturbed. The only signs of birds around the house were the occasional wag tail and some rook/crows which sat high on the building site cawing to each other. It all felt very desolate and horribly silent.
Visiting the old house during the spring I was amazed how just how loud the bird song was around there. I know I fed the birds and loved to hear the chaffinch and my favourite the blackbird but even so the loudness and variety around that little street is amazing really. I felt quite sad returning to our barren building site of bricks and concrete with little greenery.
We did hear and occasionally saw if you were quick the wonderful sky lark as they soared high above us near the lakes and fields singing out their territory and that made my heart sing. As spring moved on I saw the wagtail feeding her baby and watching it carefully which was lovely.
Then on Friday of this week a whole host, swarm, gang...large amount of swallows swooped by our little close. Diving and swooping at amazing speeeds catching the insects in the air. I watched them feeling very happy and hopeful that these are the fore runners of future birds that will visit us and perhaps stay? 'Welcome and come again' I said to them from my heart.
Today sitting eating breakfast in the garden I glanced up and saw a mighty prehistoric heron fly over probably on its way to the lakes but nonetheless passing my garden!
The surrounding gardens now have grass and plants, and some are planting trees. I am looking forward to the day when the spring dawn chorus wakes me up as it did in the old house. The birds are coming hurruh!!
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
A cheeky day off
Oooh a little cheeky day that consists of laying in, watching Heir Hunters (its funny how certain programmes get a hold of you, a couple of years ago it was Extreme Make over Home edition, last year due to house move it was all the property programmes such as Location, Location, Location and now this holiday at least its been Heir hunters where I fantasize about being contacted by a firm to let me know I am an heir to hundreds of thousand of pounds and a beauitiful house in Putney. Karen came down at the weekend and said she had become addicted to dog whisperer and even tried training Colin using the same techniques.
I digress from a cheeky day which following the tv including although I wasn't going to, Homes under the Hammer where I imagine buying several properties at aution and doing them all up at vast profits. Then a shower whilst listening to an audio book and then get ready to go into town. Leaving at 12 noon and taking a bottle of water and a banana I thought I would be back by 3. Alighting from the park and ride at the Round Church I looked inside and saw that there was a lunch time concert about to start so I took myself inside.
Oh how glorious, how simply lovely and devine. Sitting inside the little round church and looking up at the old stained glass windows, and the masks of the knights staring down at me whilst listening to some Beethhoven was wonderful. People watching is fun as well and noticing how lots of people all know each other and that the different ages all enjoying the moment, the shared moment of listening to three men (The medway trio) playing music and obviously enjoying playing for us. I felt very lucky to be there having such experiences.
After the church I popped into the Copper Kettle for a panini and tea whilst sitting at the window overlooking Kings. The sun streamed in and again I people watched and occasionally read my book thoroughly enjoying myself.
I have no problems being by myself enjoying the freedom to go where I want and do what I want. I do of course have lots of times with other people including family and friends so the odd time of being alone is a treat.
After lunch a meander around the town, catching a street entertainment group called Zambezi Express who were brilliant and made you want to dance around smiling.
Bought a blouse and some moisteriser which was what I had gone to buy and then caught the bus which was conveniently waiting for me. Now back home by 4.30 feeling very good.
What a cheeky day which I have to say started with the hangover of still feeling a bit wobbly from yesterdays illness which had the same symptoms of IBS.
A lovely day made even nicer as it was a free day off....now feel guilty.
Back to work tomorrow after a fornight off. its whizzed by and been a mixture of days around town, Wicken Fen, Jayne and Lorraine, Karen, Phil, Chris and Fiona, avatar, Kettles yard, markets (never again) and meal out. A very busy but satisfying time. I don't want to go back to work ...oh why doesn't the heir hunters hurry up and find me?
I digress from a cheeky day which following the tv including although I wasn't going to, Homes under the Hammer where I imagine buying several properties at aution and doing them all up at vast profits. Then a shower whilst listening to an audio book and then get ready to go into town. Leaving at 12 noon and taking a bottle of water and a banana I thought I would be back by 3. Alighting from the park and ride at the Round Church I looked inside and saw that there was a lunch time concert about to start so I took myself inside.
Oh how glorious, how simply lovely and devine. Sitting inside the little round church and looking up at the old stained glass windows, and the masks of the knights staring down at me whilst listening to some Beethhoven was wonderful. People watching is fun as well and noticing how lots of people all know each other and that the different ages all enjoying the moment, the shared moment of listening to three men (The medway trio) playing music and obviously enjoying playing for us. I felt very lucky to be there having such experiences.
After the church I popped into the Copper Kettle for a panini and tea whilst sitting at the window overlooking Kings. The sun streamed in and again I people watched and occasionally read my book thoroughly enjoying myself.
I have no problems being by myself enjoying the freedom to go where I want and do what I want. I do of course have lots of times with other people including family and friends so the odd time of being alone is a treat.
After lunch a meander around the town, catching a street entertainment group called Zambezi Express who were brilliant and made you want to dance around smiling.
Bought a blouse and some moisteriser which was what I had gone to buy and then caught the bus which was conveniently waiting for me. Now back home by 4.30 feeling very good.
What a cheeky day which I have to say started with the hangover of still feeling a bit wobbly from yesterdays illness which had the same symptoms of IBS.
A lovely day made even nicer as it was a free day off....now feel guilty.
Back to work tomorrow after a fornight off. its whizzed by and been a mixture of days around town, Wicken Fen, Jayne and Lorraine, Karen, Phil, Chris and Fiona, avatar, Kettles yard, markets (never again) and meal out. A very busy but satisfying time. I don't want to go back to work ...oh why doesn't the heir hunters hurry up and find me?
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