Molly loves me. She wants to be near me. She wants my cuddles and stokes and caresses and responds to them.
She is a cat therefore her love is of a lower value.
Is this right?
When she responds to my touch how should I feel?
She purrs and bends her head and rubs against me. Is this enough......and for what?
My best friend Jayne kissed me tonight and gave me a big sexless hug...that was lovely and enough...she promised to put me into a home if I became senile. I love my friend Jayne
Remembered where I had met MW before which was when I was 17 in the library and the rumour was that his mum still got his clothes out for him every night and her he is the town clerk!!!???
Friday, 24 October 2008
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Credit crunch and recessions
Its been a few weeks and to be honest now is not the time for an update and anyway this blog is for me and I know whats been happening. Needless to say the world is whirling and crashing financially which is all a great worry and following the stock markets crashing hey guess what we are going into a recession.
On a personal level all I seem to do is work. I go to sleep wearing my iphone so I can listen to downloads just to take my mind off work!! I rarely go out and think pretty constantly of work. I've given up Mr V again and PH is ....well who knows what he wants really, Phil and Chris are independent and that leaves me at home alone with the cats and good old red wine.
This is the first time this week I have had a glass of wine which is good as it was becomming a daily occurrance and I think has contributed significantly to my new weight problem and talking of which I have slipped into the size 12 category!!! Shock horror this must now stop and although I have thought everyday of joining the gym that is the nearest I have got to doing something healthy.
Anyway the autumn is now with us and once again the anniversary of hearing my Dad was terminally ill. It does seem now that the changing colours and falling leaves now trigger a learned pyschological response from me and I have felt upset and emotional but I have to say not as bad as last year.
Right will have to start updating this regularly again and recording money and food etc.
As Ringo says Peace and Love, Peace and Love
On a personal level all I seem to do is work. I go to sleep wearing my iphone so I can listen to downloads just to take my mind off work!! I rarely go out and think pretty constantly of work. I've given up Mr V again and PH is ....well who knows what he wants really, Phil and Chris are independent and that leaves me at home alone with the cats and good old red wine.
This is the first time this week I have had a glass of wine which is good as it was becomming a daily occurrance and I think has contributed significantly to my new weight problem and talking of which I have slipped into the size 12 category!!! Shock horror this must now stop and although I have thought everyday of joining the gym that is the nearest I have got to doing something healthy.
Anyway the autumn is now with us and once again the anniversary of hearing my Dad was terminally ill. It does seem now that the changing colours and falling leaves now trigger a learned pyschological response from me and I have felt upset and emotional but I have to say not as bad as last year.
Right will have to start updating this regularly again and recording money and food etc.
As Ringo says Peace and Love, Peace and Love
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Invites to Cornwall
On an almost sudden impulse (it would have been completely sudden but I have daydreamed doing this already but sort of dismissed it as impractical etc) I've invited PH down to Cornwall when I go for the new year!!
I wonder what his response might be. I have a sneaky feeling he is seeing someone anyway which is why he has not really contacted me much or pressed for us to meet lately and so he might just say no for that reason which would be fair enough but might leave me feeling both rejected and regretful that I didn't do something earlier.
Then again he might say yes in which case I shall worry about the logistics and whether I introduce him to Chris and Ray and I shall also worry about what his and my own expectations might be.
If he says no then fine, I'll just feel slightly embarrassed but not too much as he is dear man who will let me down gently I know this and if he says yes then I will decide to take it as it comes and just see what occurs.
Is this another life changing decision? Time will tell.
I wonder what his response might be. I have a sneaky feeling he is seeing someone anyway which is why he has not really contacted me much or pressed for us to meet lately and so he might just say no for that reason which would be fair enough but might leave me feeling both rejected and regretful that I didn't do something earlier.
Then again he might say yes in which case I shall worry about the logistics and whether I introduce him to Chris and Ray and I shall also worry about what his and my own expectations might be.
If he says no then fine, I'll just feel slightly embarrassed but not too much as he is dear man who will let me down gently I know this and if he says yes then I will decide to take it as it comes and just see what occurs.
Is this another life changing decision? Time will tell.
Monday, 11 August 2008
Letter to Fiz
First off it was lovely to hear from you. Time passes so quickly and it is just about a year since I popped down to see you when we had the shed party!!
It sounds like you have had a pretty traumatic time with your health and I hope the last test with the oncologist was all clear, let me know.
It was strange that the week I was actually thinking of coming to Bris (a friend of mine knows someone in the Bristol area and we were going to make a flying visit to see the balloon festival, and of course I was going to suggest we meet up) was the very week you sent me this email, but like I said our brains do tend to morph when we are together...and I miss that and being silly and playing.
For I have been extremely sensible this last year. Who would have thought that child care and early years could be so political and stressful? All my job consists of is endless meetings, visiting pre schools and nurseries and out of school clubs and making sure they are doing what they should be doing, helping them access funding and generally being the first person they call in an emergency, plus I am looking after the development of children centres in both and One of those areas is like Bristol with all the deprivation and problems and the other is all countryside and little villages with mostly quite well off people but pockets of deprivation. Tomorrow I am off to look at potential sites for new children centres and that will be fun, wearing hard hats and going to site meetings and generally watching an idea turn into a building and then to be filled with babies and families, thats the rewarding bit of my job. The horrible bit is the childcare audit which is all data collecting and finding out how much child care we actually have in ...that bit I hate.
Being so absorbed in work has meant I have excluded lots of other things including holidays, going out and sadly friends. For the first few months I jsut could not stop thinking about work, waking in the night and early morning and when I wasn't doing that I was just exhausted. Thankfully I seem to be getting that in to persective now, but unfortuanately all the invitations to go out that I refused has offended some people who saw it as a rejection of them rather than me not being able to cope and so now I find I am on a kind of catch up with friends which is a bit sad as I would have hoped they woudl have understood but there you go.
One good thing that has come out of my isolation is I have become quite a homebody and have been doing more decorating and gardening and generally being quite happy pottering around at home, the result is that this year we have done the bathroom, the hall and are just tackling the bedrooms. Instead of feeling embarrassed about my house and hating being here it is now more of a refuge and I love pottering in the garden with the cats or watching a film with son number 2 and a bottle of wine.
So my hetic lifestyle has mellowed which is perhaps down to finally admitting my age or perhaps just being happy with simple things. I am still seeing the same man I was when I came to you. I remembered he had a tantrum because I wouldn;t leave yours and drive to see him at a moments notice and he did sulk for a couple of weeks but I never regretted saying no and he soon came back again. Infact along with everything else I even tried cutting him out of my life. Since Christmas I have felt fat and ugly and so unattractive and sexy and couldn't bare the thought of him rejecting me so I got in first and told him it was time to call it a day. He was great and we parted on very good terms only for three weeks later for him to start trying to persuade me to come back again and after at first resisting I did go back to him.
Our relationship is still mainly about sex but we do have a good friendship going and I know he cares about me as I do about him. He is like an old friend who I have had such a good time with and love in a friendship kind of a way and most importantly I do still find him the most sexy man on the planet, I only have to see him and I sort of melt but as for having long conversations or a meeting of minds....thats yet to happen lol
The motorbike person came back again () and although I met him for lunch he just ended up irritating me with all his endless boasting and so I dropped him.
I also have another very dear man friend, P who is older than me and is a lovely, lovely man. We laugh and chat and just get along amazingly well but for me there is no sexual chemistry which is a shame because he could be the man to rescue me if I let him. He is fairly well off with a gorgeous little cottage in the countryside, interesting and very kind.
So I have one man for sex, one man for companionship and good discussions and one man to pay most of the bills ie my husband and talking of him we have been getting on a bit better since I have been staying in more and following a horrible row on Christmas eve I decided to call a truce and actually have been trying to be nicer and surprise surprise its paid off and we both get along much better.
So thats my messy life.
Both my sons are well, the eldest is probably going to move to Bri to live with his girlfriend soon and we'll all miss him being local but don't blame him as Bri is lovely and so is she.
The youngest, P is pottering around, working and socialising, I would like to see him with a nice girl friend but thats yet to happen although I think he has the odd one night stand and anyway he seems quite happy and really its none of my business but I am him mum and mums do worry don't we?
God I have rambled on havn't I? Its been quite cathartic so thank you
Now when are we going to meet up again? I might be coming to Bristol with the same friend the last week in August so I am not sure if you are around as you said you were away during the bank holiday week? We were thinking of coming down on the Thursday of that week , returning home on either Saturday or Sunday and if you are around it would be good to meet up. I'd love to introduce Jayne to you as she has heard so much about you and Tony over the years so let me know if you around or not.
Otherwise I might come and visit my aunt later in September or October and perhaps we could synchronise something then?
Anyways.....whenever we meet up we'll have fun and pick up from where we left off and have a laugh. I always did think Stru sounded fun. Did she ever meet up with Mag cos they had a very intense friendship at one time?
Say hello to Lilj for me and to everyone else of course. Can I ask how Lil is? She always wanted to get married and have children and she went through a horrible period when she sort of admitted to being an alcoholic and gave up the drink so I hope she is okay.
God we met some people through Ur didn't we and in such a short space in time...again my being a recluse has meant I have lost touch with all that.
Right I think I had better go now, hope this email doesn't give you a headache and if you ever want to just have a chat pick up the phone, I am often here on my own espeically during the day time although lots of evenings find just me and the cats.
Lots of love to you all, especially that big man of yours
Mwaaaaaa ooooh I feel all swollen up with love for you all and if I get anymore puffed up I'll take off like a hot air balloon so if you look out your window you might just see me waft gently by blowing you all kisses and kind thoughts/
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It sounds like you have had a pretty traumatic time with your health and I hope the last test with the oncologist was all clear, let me know.
It was strange that the week I was actually thinking of coming to Bris (a friend of mine knows someone in the Bristol area and we were going to make a flying visit to see the balloon festival, and of course I was going to suggest we meet up) was the very week you sent me this email, but like I said our brains do tend to morph when we are together...and I miss that and being silly and playing.
For I have been extremely sensible this last year. Who would have thought that child care and early years could be so political and stressful? All my job consists of is endless meetings, visiting pre schools and nurseries and out of school clubs and making sure they are doing what they should be doing, helping them access funding and generally being the first person they call in an emergency, plus I am looking after the development of children centres in both and One of those areas is like Bristol with all the deprivation and problems and the other is all countryside and little villages with mostly quite well off people but pockets of deprivation. Tomorrow I am off to look at potential sites for new children centres and that will be fun, wearing hard hats and going to site meetings and generally watching an idea turn into a building and then to be filled with babies and families, thats the rewarding bit of my job. The horrible bit is the childcare audit which is all data collecting and finding out how much child care we actually have in ...that bit I hate.
Being so absorbed in work has meant I have excluded lots of other things including holidays, going out and sadly friends. For the first few months I jsut could not stop thinking about work, waking in the night and early morning and when I wasn't doing that I was just exhausted. Thankfully I seem to be getting that in to persective now, but unfortuanately all the invitations to go out that I refused has offended some people who saw it as a rejection of them rather than me not being able to cope and so now I find I am on a kind of catch up with friends which is a bit sad as I would have hoped they woudl have understood but there you go.
One good thing that has come out of my isolation is I have become quite a homebody and have been doing more decorating and gardening and generally being quite happy pottering around at home, the result is that this year we have done the bathroom, the hall and are just tackling the bedrooms. Instead of feeling embarrassed about my house and hating being here it is now more of a refuge and I love pottering in the garden with the cats or watching a film with son number 2 and a bottle of wine.
So my hetic lifestyle has mellowed which is perhaps down to finally admitting my age or perhaps just being happy with simple things. I am still seeing the same man I was when I came to you. I remembered he had a tantrum because I wouldn;t leave yours and drive to see him at a moments notice and he did sulk for a couple of weeks but I never regretted saying no and he soon came back again. Infact along with everything else I even tried cutting him out of my life. Since Christmas I have felt fat and ugly and so unattractive and sexy and couldn't bare the thought of him rejecting me so I got in first and told him it was time to call it a day. He was great and we parted on very good terms only for three weeks later for him to start trying to persuade me to come back again and after at first resisting I did go back to him.
Our relationship is still mainly about sex but we do have a good friendship going and I know he cares about me as I do about him. He is like an old friend who I have had such a good time with and love in a friendship kind of a way and most importantly I do still find him the most sexy man on the planet, I only have to see him and I sort of melt but as for having long conversations or a meeting of minds....thats yet to happen lol
The motorbike person came back again () and although I met him for lunch he just ended up irritating me with all his endless boasting and so I dropped him.
I also have another very dear man friend, P who is older than me and is a lovely, lovely man. We laugh and chat and just get along amazingly well but for me there is no sexual chemistry which is a shame because he could be the man to rescue me if I let him. He is fairly well off with a gorgeous little cottage in the countryside, interesting and very kind.
So I have one man for sex, one man for companionship and good discussions and one man to pay most of the bills ie my husband and talking of him we have been getting on a bit better since I have been staying in more and following a horrible row on Christmas eve I decided to call a truce and actually have been trying to be nicer and surprise surprise its paid off and we both get along much better.
So thats my messy life.
Both my sons are well, the eldest is probably going to move to Bri to live with his girlfriend soon and we'll all miss him being local but don't blame him as Bri is lovely and so is she.
The youngest, P is pottering around, working and socialising, I would like to see him with a nice girl friend but thats yet to happen although I think he has the odd one night stand and anyway he seems quite happy and really its none of my business but I am him mum and mums do worry don't we?
God I have rambled on havn't I? Its been quite cathartic so thank you
Now when are we going to meet up again? I might be coming to Bristol with the same friend the last week in August so I am not sure if you are around as you said you were away during the bank holiday week? We were thinking of coming down on the Thursday of that week , returning home on either Saturday or Sunday and if you are around it would be good to meet up. I'd love to introduce Jayne to you as she has heard so much about you and Tony over the years so let me know if you around or not.
Otherwise I might come and visit my aunt later in September or October and perhaps we could synchronise something then?
Anyways.....whenever we meet up we'll have fun and pick up from where we left off and have a laugh. I always did think Stru sounded fun. Did she ever meet up with Mag cos they had a very intense friendship at one time?
Say hello to Lilj for me and to everyone else of course. Can I ask how Lil is? She always wanted to get married and have children and she went through a horrible period when she sort of admitted to being an alcoholic and gave up the drink so I hope she is okay.
God we met some people through Ur didn't we and in such a short space in time...again my being a recluse has meant I have lost touch with all that.
Right I think I had better go now, hope this email doesn't give you a headache and if you ever want to just have a chat pick up the phone, I am often here on my own espeically during the day time although lots of evenings find just me and the cats.
Lots of love to you all, especially that big man of yours
Mwaaaaaa ooooh I feel all swollen up with love for you all and if I get anymore puffed up I'll take off like a hot air balloon so if you look out your window you might just see me waft gently by blowing you all kisses and kind thoughts/
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday, 4 August 2008
Bloody families and piraton
Picked up K and set off to Southampton about 8.45ish. It was a wet and slow drive with volume of traffic preventing us from any kind of speed but we arrived safely and by 2 were at L's.
Mum had given her some money and she had bought some buffetty type of foods which were all okay but a bit bland and child orientated...however we had plenty to drink although I was in the kind of mood that it didn;t matter how much I drunk I was never more than slightly tipsey which was good.
We sat in the garden and once the sun came out it was lovely and warm and just chatted. We sat there till about 10 at night when K and Mum went home and we more or less went to bed. I was tired and looking forward to going to sleep and the next day going home.
I did enjoy the weekend but do find my family stressful. I am worried that any minute there will be a row and feel every slight or what I perceive to be a put down particularly from K. I am sure she doens't mean half of it but saying things like I am a dwarf really pisses me off and that when I helped by washign up at her barbeque last year all the things needed re washing...well do it your bloodyself then if its such a pain. It always feels like she has to put me down all the time, comments about cookers and stuff. Get off your bloody high horse and stop moaning that you live on your own and its eaiser for all us couples, well you decided to chuck P out not us!!!
Rant over
Today am feeling tired, got bites on face, hands and tops of legs so taken Piraton and I think its making me woozy so could sleep.
Not done any real work but watched telly all day and now feel its been such a waste and feel still tired so may go and go to bed.
Richard all moany at the moment and wants to move bedrooms with no planning or forethought which I think will lead to chaos..all this weekend J wants us to go to Bristol and now I want to stay at home for bedroom but am worried this will put the nail in the coffin of friendship with J!!!
Think I'll take another Piraton and increase wooziness.
Mum had given her some money and she had bought some buffetty type of foods which were all okay but a bit bland and child orientated...however we had plenty to drink although I was in the kind of mood that it didn;t matter how much I drunk I was never more than slightly tipsey which was good.
We sat in the garden and once the sun came out it was lovely and warm and just chatted. We sat there till about 10 at night when K and Mum went home and we more or less went to bed. I was tired and looking forward to going to sleep and the next day going home.
I did enjoy the weekend but do find my family stressful. I am worried that any minute there will be a row and feel every slight or what I perceive to be a put down particularly from K. I am sure she doens't mean half of it but saying things like I am a dwarf really pisses me off and that when I helped by washign up at her barbeque last year all the things needed re washing...well do it your bloodyself then if its such a pain. It always feels like she has to put me down all the time, comments about cookers and stuff. Get off your bloody high horse and stop moaning that you live on your own and its eaiser for all us couples, well you decided to chuck P out not us!!!
Rant over
Today am feeling tired, got bites on face, hands and tops of legs so taken Piraton and I think its making me woozy so could sleep.
Not done any real work but watched telly all day and now feel its been such a waste and feel still tired so may go and go to bed.
Richard all moany at the moment and wants to move bedrooms with no planning or forethought which I think will lead to chaos..all this weekend J wants us to go to Bristol and now I want to stay at home for bedroom but am worried this will put the nail in the coffin of friendship with J!!!
Think I'll take another Piraton and increase wooziness.
Thursday, 31 July 2008
Happiness is up to date syncing
Mr V popped round earlier in the week and a very nice, hot and steamy time was had by all...so nothing much changed from before I was 50 then?
Which feels good for the self esteem plus Mr H who I saw today said I looked radiant and was there a reason?
How flattering that two very nice men, one more physically gorgeous than the other and the other more mentally attractive than the other both really like me...fat old me...la la la!!!
Lots of fairly good stuff as well such as new little car which is almost an automatic which completely threw me to start with but I am gradually getting used to, although yesterday I somehow managed to alter the dial that said miles per hour into kilometres per hour which completely through me and I had no idea of how fast or slow I was going especially as this car is quite deceptive and you can suddenly find yourself zooming along, only noticing because the mileometer tells you so. I was desperately trying to keep up with other traffic and praying they were not all speeding. If stopped I thought I would plead it was a new car and go all girly if a woman of my advanced years can go all girly or not?!!
Its very strange not changing gear or using a clutch and I have to tell myself right leg good left leg bad to stop me pressing the brake instead of some clutch pedal. You can feel it change gear for you which feels a bit strange and I seem to lurch occasionally almost as if the person changing gear is not doing it smoothly. I pretend there is a little person inside the bonnet changing gear for me, I just wish they would be a bit smoother.
R has been away for a week and comes back today and as usual its been lovely. So calm, quiet and tidy and although strangely I did almost miss him the first day I am dreading his return with all his mess and moans and funny ways.
The best news though is I now have a new iphone and can once again sync my phone and so be able to listen to all my podcasts and music once again. This news has made me happier than my new car or anything else this week as I have quite missed the iphone and syncing.
Saw Mr H for a quick lunch today. I was a bit hurt and grumpy as he turned up late and didn't want to make another date, I was hoping to lure him away for a holiday somewhere. He looked fit and healthy today so the bike ride did him good.
Oh well la di da
Which feels good for the self esteem plus Mr H who I saw today said I looked radiant and was there a reason?
How flattering that two very nice men, one more physically gorgeous than the other and the other more mentally attractive than the other both really like me...fat old me...la la la!!!
Lots of fairly good stuff as well such as new little car which is almost an automatic which completely threw me to start with but I am gradually getting used to, although yesterday I somehow managed to alter the dial that said miles per hour into kilometres per hour which completely through me and I had no idea of how fast or slow I was going especially as this car is quite deceptive and you can suddenly find yourself zooming along, only noticing because the mileometer tells you so. I was desperately trying to keep up with other traffic and praying they were not all speeding. If stopped I thought I would plead it was a new car and go all girly if a woman of my advanced years can go all girly or not?!!
Its very strange not changing gear or using a clutch and I have to tell myself right leg good left leg bad to stop me pressing the brake instead of some clutch pedal. You can feel it change gear for you which feels a bit strange and I seem to lurch occasionally almost as if the person changing gear is not doing it smoothly. I pretend there is a little person inside the bonnet changing gear for me, I just wish they would be a bit smoother.
R has been away for a week and comes back today and as usual its been lovely. So calm, quiet and tidy and although strangely I did almost miss him the first day I am dreading his return with all his mess and moans and funny ways.
The best news though is I now have a new iphone and can once again sync my phone and so be able to listen to all my podcasts and music once again. This news has made me happier than my new car or anything else this week as I have quite missed the iphone and syncing.
Saw Mr H for a quick lunch today. I was a bit hurt and grumpy as he turned up late and didn't want to make another date, I was hoping to lure him away for a holiday somewhere. He looked fit and healthy today so the bike ride did him good.
Oh well la di da
Saturday, 26 July 2008
1958 a very good year
It seems that 1958 was the start of lots of things including, Madonna who was born the same year as me and I have to say is wearing better than I am with her taut 20 something body and multi million career. Also Barbie emerged again her body a bit unrealistic but when I was little I never had a Barbie or a Sindy but instead has a Tressy whose hair grew till you cut it and then it didn't grow anymore and she had a strange shape to her skull which made her look like she'd been having brain surgery.
Also 1958 was the start of the Carryon films with all their smutty jokes and double entres which today sound so innocent and the comfort of the regular cast that made them feel almost like family members. I can remember Mum and Dad talking about Sid James as if they were chatting to him only the other day whereas the reality was they never met him.
Our house is also 50 years old so there we are I am in with the in crowd after all!!
Also 1958 was the start of the Carryon films with all their smutty jokes and double entres which today sound so innocent and the comfort of the regular cast that made them feel almost like family members. I can remember Mum and Dad talking about Sid James as if they were chatting to him only the other day whereas the reality was they never met him.
Our house is also 50 years old so there we are I am in with the in crowd after all!!
Monday, 21 July 2008
Decorating
Had a good weekend. Mostly doing housework but with a new shiney bathroom to clean and a bright decorated hall and new sofa's its all a pleasure rather than a pain. This year we have achieved a lot with all the above and at last the house is becomming something to feel proud of and be happy to invite peope in without worrying they may look down on us.
Which is ironic because this weekend I did just that myself of which I am not proud. I got chatting to the new couple across the road and they invited me in to see all the work they need to do and what a mess young Sarah left behind and it does look a mess. Its a bit like my house was before we did the kitchen or anything else but with added smokiness for added effect. Such a shame really because years ago I remember going in to see Anne and Arthur and thinking how nice and cosy their house was and how lovely the garden was. Now where Sarah has ripped out all trace of Anne and Arthur and left nothing but unusable rubbish behind. Skirting taken out, radiator ripped off with pipes left behind, kitchen ceilings sagging and the whole thing just looks and smells a mess. Made me see how far we have come now.
Then last night I was trying to reassure Joyce that Bill and Jean have come to see her not criticise her lack of decorating or gardening and all the time I am thinking I would be just as worried if I was her about what people might think.
The thing is we do judge people. I was set a very high standard by my own parents and have resisted myself untill fairly recently but if I go into a house and its dirty or unkempt I do make a judgement about that person whether thats fair or not. Your home is a reflection of yourself so when Richard wants to bring the bike and store it in the living room I am aware we come from two different backgrounds and that his standard is different from mine not to say mine is better but it is.
Which is ironic because this weekend I did just that myself of which I am not proud. I got chatting to the new couple across the road and they invited me in to see all the work they need to do and what a mess young Sarah left behind and it does look a mess. Its a bit like my house was before we did the kitchen or anything else but with added smokiness for added effect. Such a shame really because years ago I remember going in to see Anne and Arthur and thinking how nice and cosy their house was and how lovely the garden was. Now where Sarah has ripped out all trace of Anne and Arthur and left nothing but unusable rubbish behind. Skirting taken out, radiator ripped off with pipes left behind, kitchen ceilings sagging and the whole thing just looks and smells a mess. Made me see how far we have come now.
Then last night I was trying to reassure Joyce that Bill and Jean have come to see her not criticise her lack of decorating or gardening and all the time I am thinking I would be just as worried if I was her about what people might think.
The thing is we do judge people. I was set a very high standard by my own parents and have resisted myself untill fairly recently but if I go into a house and its dirty or unkempt I do make a judgement about that person whether thats fair or not. Your home is a reflection of yourself so when Richard wants to bring the bike and store it in the living room I am aware we come from two different backgrounds and that his standard is different from mine not to say mine is better but it is.
Friday, 18 July 2008
Feeling low
The bathroom is almost complete except for the fawlty shower that needs a part replacing and it looks great. Got to get a blind fitted and all will be perfect. Phot to come.
As for the rest of my life ...well I have an interesting job, some friends, excellent sons and good family, a new car on its way, my health and independence an exciting, gorgeous lover (yes he persuaded me to come back and he was lovely) and yet, and yet I feel fed up, depressed and tired.
Maybe its a mid life crisis or maybe its a reaction to the fact I feel I've lost some good friends and probably through my own behaviour. If only I had not been so dissaproving of Ja and her daugthers she wouldn;t have removed herself, if only I had not been so distracted with work I woulnt have lost so much contact. Either way I feel bereft and lost and abandoned. I feel sad.
Oh I could make new friends and actually I am good at making friends its just keeping them for a few years I find difficult. Jackie I lost contact with after more than thirty years and now J after more than 20 years so its not as if they are short term friendships but these are people I have known for years and then they suddenly fade away. Being reflective I have to look at myself and I guess I conclude I should keep my temper and not get so indignant. I nearly got all stroppy with PH today but reminded myself that it does me no good in the long run.
I am not sure I can do anything to save the two friendships I have mentioned above but will be available for them should they decide to come back and in the meantime I have to look for others to replace those and I will find them. Even tomorrow I am off to Bas to do some silly its a knock out for work with work colleagues, people I didn;t know this time last year and one of them could be a new friend.....you never know. Onward and upward and shake off the blues and think about all I have got,
As for the rest of my life ...well I have an interesting job, some friends, excellent sons and good family, a new car on its way, my health and independence an exciting, gorgeous lover (yes he persuaded me to come back and he was lovely) and yet, and yet I feel fed up, depressed and tired.
Maybe its a mid life crisis or maybe its a reaction to the fact I feel I've lost some good friends and probably through my own behaviour. If only I had not been so dissaproving of Ja and her daugthers she wouldn;t have removed herself, if only I had not been so distracted with work I woulnt have lost so much contact. Either way I feel bereft and lost and abandoned. I feel sad.
Oh I could make new friends and actually I am good at making friends its just keeping them for a few years I find difficult. Jackie I lost contact with after more than thirty years and now J after more than 20 years so its not as if they are short term friendships but these are people I have known for years and then they suddenly fade away. Being reflective I have to look at myself and I guess I conclude I should keep my temper and not get so indignant. I nearly got all stroppy with PH today but reminded myself that it does me no good in the long run.
I am not sure I can do anything to save the two friendships I have mentioned above but will be available for them should they decide to come back and in the meantime I have to look for others to replace those and I will find them. Even tomorrow I am off to Bas to do some silly its a knock out for work with work colleagues, people I didn;t know this time last year and one of them could be a new friend.....you never know. Onward and upward and shake off the blues and think about all I have got,
Thursday, 3 July 2008
The start of the fabulous 50's.
The big Five O is today and I woke feeling okay. I am often filled with despair and dread at the thought of something and yet when the dreaded event arrives I just get on with it. Its almost as if I do my sadness and coming to terms before the event and am okay after.
Got up and opened some cards, Phil got me a lovely card with a gardening things on the front and a bottle of pink champagne which is nice. I went to Chris and saw him and had a shower, we later met for lunch which was nice although the food and restuarant itself was a bit crappy.
I've spent the rest of the day looking at tile borders and spending a fortune on bathroom stuff such as nice towels and soap dishes.
Today we have a sink as well as the toilet and bath, just the shower and towell rail to go in plus the tiles.
Last night was nice as Jane had decorated the table with little 50's and I had a nice balloon. No one knew at work that it was my birthday and I guess this was my fault for keeping it quiet so that will teach me. Linda and Sharon got me a little something which was sweet of them so all in all I can't complain.
Am knackered now.
I've decided the 50's are going to be fabulous, no messing around just fabulous darling.
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Never say you want a quiet birthday
I'm terrible because for ages I tell myself I don't want a fuss. I don't want anyone to notice and I do want to be left alone to just have a normal day and then when that happens and no one does notice and nothing does happen and no fuss is made I get upset!!
I have kept wondering if there was going to be some kind of surprise, if the Early Years Partnership would spring out a bunch of flowers or I would have the red display around my desk or that Denise and Jill would do something or that the other CCDO's would have sent something but no its all been decidedly low key and well...nothing much. I did get a lovely surprise courtesyof the South team last week which was lovely and Sally has sent me a card and with the grant request forms there was a little card but other than that zilch and after all it is a special birthday. Even Claridges has turned into a meal at 9.30!!!! in Sawbridgeworth...even the card my mum has sent was over the price of her second class stamp so there should have been another £115 to pay. Its all really quite funny...be careful what you wish for. Next year I am going big and announcing about May time that I want a huge fuss...maybe I could get away with being 49 again this year and have the big celebration next year...thats what I will do...they will get it right then....at least Molly loves me.
As I talk she is laying in my arms with her claws scratching me and rubbing her cold lovely nose onto my bare arm and purring away.
Anyway day three of the bathroom and we now have a toilet and a bath. Phil was the first one to use the new bath and after making some creaking noises he reported that it was fine. I've just had a nice bath myself and keep imagining what it will all look like nicely tiled and clean. I can't wait.
Bathroom man wants another 50% of the money today which feels a bit scary as we only have 10% left to pay and say if he runs away and never finishes the job properly and so although I tell R that this is not acceptable I find myself meekly agreeing when I speak to the bathroom man myself.
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Hot and tired
Having the bathroom done in late June early July was a good idea. The weather has been gorgeous so far and you don't mind whizzing around to different places just to have a shower and so last night Phil went to Chris to shower and this morning Richard went to the gym and I went to Chris. I was in and out of his in about 30 mins..mind you by the time I start work I'd been shopping, dropped Phil off at work, done some washing and hung it out to dry and been to Chris so I feel slightly tired by the time I start ordinairy work and it was very difficult to feel engaged with what I should have been doing.
I popped home at lunch time to sit in the garden and see if everything was going well and I found myself almost doing a time and motion study. What time did they start, how long was he going to be on the phone, what time would they finish, did they want a lunch break etc etc?! I was quite shocked at myself. Of course they need breaks and of course he can manage his own
time. I was shocked at how horrible I was feeling and pulled myself together.
Anyway came home tonight to see a new shiney bath full of water...thats to help the bath to settle and apparently we can have our first bath tonight after about 9ish!
Work was hard going today with the area partnership and general moans against Essex and complains about grants and stuff and I felt completely alone. I wanted to shout at them to stop whinging and moaning when it came to discussions about the Children Centre Conference oh for goodness sake do it yourself!!
I think my birthday has dissapeared as no one in the Treehouse even really mentioned it and at the early years partnership no one knew a thing. God I think I am so important don't I? Maybe I should have arranged something myself..but there you go.
One day left in the forties and then I will be a woman who must be in her 50's!! ie old
Monday, 30 June 2008
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With boxes and suitcases all over the landing and cluttering about the house there was only ten minutes till the bathroom men were due to arrive. Why oh why does R still leave everything to the last minute and why oh why do I still expect anything less even after 30 years of marriage I still must be clinging on to the hope that one day he'll be so organised and move quickly and seem to have a good clear plan on how to do things...and in the meantime I'll remained dissapointed and frustrated. Perhaps I would be better off just excepting that somehow he manages to get things sort of done (we've got piles of stuff in the bedroom and tonight this will involve climbing over stuff to get into bed grrrrr!!) and that it all comes together in the end somehow. I suppose I feel that the somehow is largely as a result of me nagging and that if I didn't nothing would get done...but would it...somehow?
The bathroom is now an empty shell with rotten floor boards where the bath used to be and again that was where R did not put sealant around the bath when decorating and we all flooded the place blaming Phil when the water poured through the kitchen ceiling without realising that it was just a build up and poor Phil was just the last one to use the shower.
We've yet to find wall tiles and they apparently need these for Thursday or Friday so have to go back yet again (third time for tile shops) to look for tiles. I am drawn to wildly expensive ones and R is drawn like a magnet to cheapy ones so hopefully a compromise will be found.
Sunday, 29 June 2008
A New Era
Its a new era, a new age and so I felt the need for a new blog. Out with the flirty forties with tales of lust and lusting after various men. Out with the gorgeous Mr V and various others and now time for a calmer me I am thinking, a me that likes gardening out the front and chatting to neighbours, looking after my family and cleaning. A me that likes to potter...so I guess if you want something more exciting than that then stop reading this right now...move away and find the exciting lives of others posted on here or near by, but if you want random ramblings of a woman having a quiet midlife crisis then continue on....on to where? I have not got a clue.
So whats happening at the moment. Its the eve of my 29th wedding anniversary and for the most part a sort of calm has entered our lives punctuated by my nagging and his horrible and childish temper tantrums when some inanimate object like the iron does not work properly. Other than that we mumble and bumble along, getting slightly on each others nerves but trying for once to be polite and considerate and not always suspect the other of some foul play.
Tomorrow is the day that work starts on the bathroom. I'm dreading the mess, the upheaval the lack of bath or sink and the fluctuations of when we can flush or not...I am also looking forward to the first time since I got married to having a newly decorated bathroom with a power shower. I know these things are what most people just take for granted but I have had to wait till I am just 3 days off 50 to get my own bathroom.
Yes thats right the 50th birthday is bearing down on me and I cannot quite believe that I will be a 50 year old woman. 50 year olds are old and I am not old. 50 year olds are sensible and boring and tired and don't have ambition or sex drive or like good music and I like all those things.
I've been in crisis about this birthday since Christmas I think and have steadily got more depressed and anxious and unhappy about my looks and weight hence giving up the gorgeous Mr V and yet seemingly unable to do anything about it ie lose weight and exercise. Instead I eat and drink and slouch and slob and hate it when I look fat in photo's and pregnant in some outfits....on the other hand grabbing a handful of my fat tummy feels strangely comforting.
So whats happening at the moment. Its the eve of my 29th wedding anniversary and for the most part a sort of calm has entered our lives punctuated by my nagging and his horrible and childish temper tantrums when some inanimate object like the iron does not work properly. Other than that we mumble and bumble along, getting slightly on each others nerves but trying for once to be polite and considerate and not always suspect the other of some foul play.
Tomorrow is the day that work starts on the bathroom. I'm dreading the mess, the upheaval the lack of bath or sink and the fluctuations of when we can flush or not...I am also looking forward to the first time since I got married to having a newly decorated bathroom with a power shower. I know these things are what most people just take for granted but I have had to wait till I am just 3 days off 50 to get my own bathroom.
Yes thats right the 50th birthday is bearing down on me and I cannot quite believe that I will be a 50 year old woman. 50 year olds are old and I am not old. 50 year olds are sensible and boring and tired and don't have ambition or sex drive or like good music and I like all those things.
I've been in crisis about this birthday since Christmas I think and have steadily got more depressed and anxious and unhappy about my looks and weight hence giving up the gorgeous Mr V and yet seemingly unable to do anything about it ie lose weight and exercise. Instead I eat and drink and slouch and slob and hate it when I look fat in photo's and pregnant in some outfits....on the other hand grabbing a handful of my fat tummy feels strangely comforting.
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