Two months here and the good ole insomnia creeps back. Like the Massive Attack song but slightly different, Insomnia creeps. For two nights I tossed and turned, the bed suddenly really uncomfortable, my back and neck aching, my jaws aching which leads me to wonder if I lay there clenching or grinding my teeth? My body and mind tired and although able to doze, suddenly finding myself pulled out of what was going to be a nice restorative sleep to a tense wakefullness. This goes on till gone four by which time I fall into an exhausted sleep only to be woken by the 6 0'clock alarm. And all when it was going so well here so far as sleep was concerned. Last night was good so I am hoping it was a blip or maybe the side affects of the menopause of which I must just must be going through although if I am I am fairly symptom free as I put down the absence of periods to the mirena coil fitted three years ago. I guess if the odd night of insomnia is all I have to complain about thats not too bad. Unlike my mum who started her 'change at 38' and even today I swear she still suffers and thats at 72!
Little Colin was castrated yesterday and came back home full of beans rather than all groggy or sore. He doesn't seem to have noticed his lack of little fuzzy black balls that had induced a rather masculine swagger albeit rather knock kneed that reminded me somehow of good old Mr V, maybe it was the blackness or maybe its the cheeky charm, the self assureness that he is good and should be allowed to either play with you whether you want him to grab you or not.
I've started to let him go out the front very occassionally and only when I have the time to follow him or be around. Generally he goes under my car but today and goodness knows how he did it he managed to get over next doors brick wall but of course he could not get back again.
TJ was barking and going frantic and even though I called poor little Colin he couldn't get back. I ended up going round the back and opening their gate and calling to him. He came running along all scared and covered in mud. I am not sure how he got so muddy but it was all over his tummy. I had to carry a wriggling kitten covered in mud in doors and then wash him with a wet flannel which I thought he might hate but he loved it. I think it took him back to being washed by his mum. As I type this he is sitting on the towel on the floor beside my chair, just starting to doze off. He is a little poppet and very distracting but we have grown to love him although I don't know how long he will be with us for I suspect Colin is just on loan.
Thursday, 25 February 2010
Thursday, 18 February 2010
A long cold winter
So this winter drags on and on. I could not live in Norway. Today the weather is foggy and icy. the weather forecast is for more sleet, snow, ice and fog and continuing this until next week or in other words for the foreseeable future.
I heard on the radio the other day that spring will be spectacular as we have had such a long cold winter but I don't know what they base this on. Surely more birds have died and more plants have died due to the cold and perhaps there will be less blossom not more as a result?
I keep saying spring must be only weeks away now surely and although the mornings are lighter and its light till 5 now this winter still seems to drag on and on and on and I can hardly imagine wearing light summer clothes and leaving doors open and sitting on the grass or listening to the sea and talking of which I am going to book a train trip to Cornwall for the spring right now.
I heard on the radio the other day that spring will be spectacular as we have had such a long cold winter but I don't know what they base this on. Surely more birds have died and more plants have died due to the cold and perhaps there will be less blossom not more as a result?
I keep saying spring must be only weeks away now surely and although the mornings are lighter and its light till 5 now this winter still seems to drag on and on and on and I can hardly imagine wearing light summer clothes and leaving doors open and sitting on the grass or listening to the sea and talking of which I am going to book a train trip to Cornwall for the spring right now.
Control
Turns out he didn't have a clue what I've been so cross about. Oh he understood I was cross and not talking to him. Well the clues were rather heavy like going to my room and shutting the door at nine without saying goodnight or anything and waiting till he was almost out the door in the morning before I came down.
When he asked if we were speaking (which was a pathetic question) I explained I was not not talking I was still upset from the weekend. As I thought he resorted to saying oh well we won't talk then.
Anyway to cut a long and depressing row later he didn't realise why I was cross and thought it was to do with him being stroppy about the Sat Nav on the way to driving Phil to the station!! I could barely even remember that little rudeness and it just paled into insignificance compared to the weekend of nastiness. I asked about the rest of the weekend and he could barely remember that. Explained it all away as being upset at missing the race and tiredness. But I know different. I could feel the personal way he dug continually at me. I could hear the pointed remarks and so could Phil and thats the horrible bit in that he creates a nasty atmosphere where he is digging at me in front of Phil and I try to cover it up to ease the atmosphere which in turn almost colludes with his poor behaviour. I feel almost like these 1950 housewives who don't want to rock the boat for fear of retribution or further trouble. But I am not a 1950 housewife and I bloody well refuse to behave like one. Sisters fought the fight for emancipation and equality and although its not quite there yet I will continue to fight my cause. What was the old slogan the personal is political.
Anyway he certainly knows now. He also knows that I am saying I am not making any further decisions as they are all wrong so let him get on with it...although here I know in my heart I am being disengenis as I like making the decisions and don't like his at all. This leads me to reflect that I am probably too controlling. For example he bought home a nasty cheap little coat hoot rack. Cheap in something like £2.99 and looks it. I don't want that in my nice house and anyway put a couple of coats and the whole thing would snap. I tell him basically its horrible and what I am saying is your decision is crap like this coat hook. YOu are crap at making decisions even about coat hooks so don't try anything more complicated. No wonder he seeks revenge at opportune moments. No wonder he finds my achillies heel of protecting the boys from our misery and exploits this. This is the only power he has.
So although I am saying to him all decisions are now his as everything I do is wrong, what I am really saying is 'suffer now'. Make stupid mistakes and you will and then come running back with all your mistakes and I will have to mop up any messes you make like I always do.'
This is not a nice thought and if I am really doing this and there is a concern that too much reflection and naval gazing just leads round in dissapearing circles, then I am not a nice person and that maybe a lessing of my control might make a happier Richard who in turn might just might be a reasonable and nice person all the time, even when the boys are here.
When he asked if we were speaking (which was a pathetic question) I explained I was not not talking I was still upset from the weekend. As I thought he resorted to saying oh well we won't talk then.
Anyway to cut a long and depressing row later he didn't realise why I was cross and thought it was to do with him being stroppy about the Sat Nav on the way to driving Phil to the station!! I could barely even remember that little rudeness and it just paled into insignificance compared to the weekend of nastiness. I asked about the rest of the weekend and he could barely remember that. Explained it all away as being upset at missing the race and tiredness. But I know different. I could feel the personal way he dug continually at me. I could hear the pointed remarks and so could Phil and thats the horrible bit in that he creates a nasty atmosphere where he is digging at me in front of Phil and I try to cover it up to ease the atmosphere which in turn almost colludes with his poor behaviour. I feel almost like these 1950 housewives who don't want to rock the boat for fear of retribution or further trouble. But I am not a 1950 housewife and I bloody well refuse to behave like one. Sisters fought the fight for emancipation and equality and although its not quite there yet I will continue to fight my cause. What was the old slogan the personal is political.
Anyway he certainly knows now. He also knows that I am saying I am not making any further decisions as they are all wrong so let him get on with it...although here I know in my heart I am being disengenis as I like making the decisions and don't like his at all. This leads me to reflect that I am probably too controlling. For example he bought home a nasty cheap little coat hoot rack. Cheap in something like £2.99 and looks it. I don't want that in my nice house and anyway put a couple of coats and the whole thing would snap. I tell him basically its horrible and what I am saying is your decision is crap like this coat hook. YOu are crap at making decisions even about coat hooks so don't try anything more complicated. No wonder he seeks revenge at opportune moments. No wonder he finds my achillies heel of protecting the boys from our misery and exploits this. This is the only power he has.
So although I am saying to him all decisions are now his as everything I do is wrong, what I am really saying is 'suffer now'. Make stupid mistakes and you will and then come running back with all your mistakes and I will have to mop up any messes you make like I always do.'
This is not a nice thought and if I am really doing this and there is a concern that too much reflection and naval gazing just leads round in dissapearing circles, then I am not a nice person and that maybe a lessing of my control might make a happier Richard who in turn might just might be a reasonable and nice person all the time, even when the boys are here.
Monday, 15 February 2010
After the highs comes the low
Oh dear after all the highs we hit a low and its hard to see if this is a temporary low or just a return to normality. I do know however that I don't want it to stay like this and I hate feeling tense and miserable.
I suppose it started to show the cracks the weekend Christine and John came to visit which was last weekend. I felt a bit tense and I was aware as I am always when introducing Richard to new people at just how awkward he is, how poor his social skills are and how he often misses the point of the conversation or goes off on a tangent. However recently I have been making huge allowances and comparing him to other people who also go off on tangents, and who also have not brilliant social skills or tell boring stories. I had convinced myself he wasn't so different from many people and that in deed it was a test of other peoples tolerance and acceptance of difference if they treated Richard well despite all these difficulties.
Christine and John should have been fine and indeed on the surface it was fine although I noticed little things like Richard at one point referring to me as 'she' in a derogatory way which grated and he also started to challenge John about id cards which actually as a host you wouldn't do normally. After when I saw Christine and John they had obviously been discussing us and said like lots of have said in the past 'what drew you both together?' What do you have in common? How can two so very different people have anything in common? Why did you get married? Christine also described him as boundariless and that the marriage was brilliant for him and a disaster for me.
It was all said in a supportive way but left me feeling someone had burst my bubble. People still did see him for all his faults. If the two most tolerant and liberal and accepting of people still found Richard more of a challenge than a pleasure or interesting then it sort of made me feel I was fooling myself. So I felt mildly depressed all week. A bit where do I go from here? Sort of feeling.
Then this last weekend Phil came to stay and we sat down to eat Friday night and Richard started nit picking and finding faults and generally being his old nasty way. He criticised or contradicated every thing I said and generally was a pig. I seethed and the next day when we were alone verbally flew at him, asking him to change his ways and stop doing that in front of Phil or anyone.
From there the weekend went from bad to worse and culuminated in me not speaking to him on the way home from dropping Phil off at the station and just going straight to bed.
Why does he do it? Why does he make meal times a war zone, critising and just sitting there obviously miserable and not trying to make an effort and chat nicely but instead criticises Phil for having butter or pepper or some such crappy things. We don't all want to live in his austere way!!
Today I sent him a text saying I didn't want to live in animosty and neither do I want the boys to witness our unhappiness so could he let me know what he was going to do? Got no answer but a text came through later saying we have a potential tenant for the old house. Tonight he came home all jolly talking about the new tenant and the jobs still left to do at the old house. Brought my coat up and offered to make me a drink or take me out running. All very nice and could be interpreted as peace offering but it don't make up for being horrible all weekend and particularly in front of Phil which is what upsets me the most. When the boys come here I want them to feel comfortable and happy to return not feel like they are in the middle of a war zone and both parents sniping at the sides with me feeling so miserable and tense I cant eat and Richard going into a decline that sends him to sleep.
So what do I do? Carry on and find opportunties to try and talk rationally about how he makes me feel when he behaves like he does and put it down as a 'training opportunity'. Or do we just live in animosity. Oh I wish I was in a proper marriage to someone I could love and respect not someone I feel might at anytime upset whoever he is currently talking to when he comes out with the stupid or crass comment.
I really do believe he has some kind of social skill deficiet and Christine confirmed that for me as well.
Oh well maybe we feel like this because things have been good although its all been hard work and this bloody winter just drags on and on with more snow forecast, and roads permanently icy and the sky permanently grey and cold. Maybe we just need signs of spring.
I suppose it started to show the cracks the weekend Christine and John came to visit which was last weekend. I felt a bit tense and I was aware as I am always when introducing Richard to new people at just how awkward he is, how poor his social skills are and how he often misses the point of the conversation or goes off on a tangent. However recently I have been making huge allowances and comparing him to other people who also go off on tangents, and who also have not brilliant social skills or tell boring stories. I had convinced myself he wasn't so different from many people and that in deed it was a test of other peoples tolerance and acceptance of difference if they treated Richard well despite all these difficulties.
Christine and John should have been fine and indeed on the surface it was fine although I noticed little things like Richard at one point referring to me as 'she' in a derogatory way which grated and he also started to challenge John about id cards which actually as a host you wouldn't do normally. After when I saw Christine and John they had obviously been discussing us and said like lots of have said in the past 'what drew you both together?' What do you have in common? How can two so very different people have anything in common? Why did you get married? Christine also described him as boundariless and that the marriage was brilliant for him and a disaster for me.
It was all said in a supportive way but left me feeling someone had burst my bubble. People still did see him for all his faults. If the two most tolerant and liberal and accepting of people still found Richard more of a challenge than a pleasure or interesting then it sort of made me feel I was fooling myself. So I felt mildly depressed all week. A bit where do I go from here? Sort of feeling.
Then this last weekend Phil came to stay and we sat down to eat Friday night and Richard started nit picking and finding faults and generally being his old nasty way. He criticised or contradicated every thing I said and generally was a pig. I seethed and the next day when we were alone verbally flew at him, asking him to change his ways and stop doing that in front of Phil or anyone.
From there the weekend went from bad to worse and culuminated in me not speaking to him on the way home from dropping Phil off at the station and just going straight to bed.
Why does he do it? Why does he make meal times a war zone, critising and just sitting there obviously miserable and not trying to make an effort and chat nicely but instead criticises Phil for having butter or pepper or some such crappy things. We don't all want to live in his austere way!!
Today I sent him a text saying I didn't want to live in animosty and neither do I want the boys to witness our unhappiness so could he let me know what he was going to do? Got no answer but a text came through later saying we have a potential tenant for the old house. Tonight he came home all jolly talking about the new tenant and the jobs still left to do at the old house. Brought my coat up and offered to make me a drink or take me out running. All very nice and could be interpreted as peace offering but it don't make up for being horrible all weekend and particularly in front of Phil which is what upsets me the most. When the boys come here I want them to feel comfortable and happy to return not feel like they are in the middle of a war zone and both parents sniping at the sides with me feeling so miserable and tense I cant eat and Richard going into a decline that sends him to sleep.
So what do I do? Carry on and find opportunties to try and talk rationally about how he makes me feel when he behaves like he does and put it down as a 'training opportunity'. Or do we just live in animosity. Oh I wish I was in a proper marriage to someone I could love and respect not someone I feel might at anytime upset whoever he is currently talking to when he comes out with the stupid or crass comment.
I really do believe he has some kind of social skill deficiet and Christine confirmed that for me as well.
Oh well maybe we feel like this because things have been good although its all been hard work and this bloody winter just drags on and on with more snow forecast, and roads permanently icy and the sky permanently grey and cold. Maybe we just need signs of spring.
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