After the highs comes the low

Oh dear after all the highs we hit a low and its hard to see if this is a temporary low or just a return to normality. I do know however that I don't want it to stay like this and I hate feeling tense and miserable.



I suppose it started to show the cracks the weekend Christine and John came to visit which was last weekend. I felt a bit tense and I was aware as I am always when introducing Richard to new people at just how awkward he is, how poor his social skills are and how he often misses the point of the conversation or goes off on a tangent. However recently I have been making huge allowances and comparing him to other people who also go off on tangents, and who also have not brilliant social skills or tell boring stories. I had convinced myself he wasn't so different from many people and that in deed it was a test of other peoples tolerance and acceptance of difference if they treated Richard well despite all these difficulties.



Christine and John should have been fine and indeed on the surface it was fine although I noticed little things like Richard at one point referring to me as 'she' in a derogatory way which grated and he also started to challenge John about id cards which actually as a host you wouldn't do normally. After when I saw Christine and John they had obviously been discussing us and said like lots of have said in the past 'what drew you both together?' What do you have in common? How can two so very different people have anything in common? Why did you get married? Christine also described him as boundariless and that the marriage was brilliant for him and a disaster for me.

It was all said in a supportive way but left me feeling someone had burst my bubble. People still did see him for all his faults. If the two most tolerant and liberal and accepting of people still found Richard more of a challenge than a pleasure or interesting then it sort of made me feel I was fooling myself. So I felt mildly depressed all week. A bit where do I go from here? Sort of feeling.

Then this last weekend Phil came to stay and we sat down to eat Friday night and Richard started nit picking and finding faults and generally being his old nasty way. He criticised or contradicated every thing I said and generally was a pig. I seethed and the next day when we were alone verbally flew at him, asking him to change his ways and stop doing that in front of Phil or anyone.
From there the weekend went from bad to worse and culuminated in me not speaking to him on the way home from dropping Phil off at the station and just going straight to bed.

Why does he do it? Why does he make meal times a war zone, critising and just sitting there obviously miserable and not trying to make an effort and chat nicely but instead criticises Phil for having butter or pepper or some such crappy things. We don't all want to live in his austere way!!

Today I sent him a text saying I didn't want to live in animosty and neither do I want the boys to witness our unhappiness so could he let me know what he was going to do? Got no answer but a text came through later saying we have a potential tenant for the old house. Tonight he came home all jolly talking about the new tenant and the jobs still left to do at the old house. Brought my coat up and offered to make me a drink or take me out running. All very nice and could be interpreted as peace offering but it don't make up for being horrible all weekend and particularly in front of Phil which is what upsets me the most. When the boys come here I want them to feel comfortable and happy to return not feel like they are in the middle of a war zone and both parents sniping at the sides with me feeling so miserable and tense I cant eat and Richard going into a decline that sends him to sleep.

So what do I do? Carry on and find opportunties to try and talk rationally about how he makes me feel when he behaves like he does and put it down as a 'training opportunity'. Or do we just live in animosity. Oh I wish I was in a proper marriage to someone I could love and respect not someone I feel might at anytime upset whoever he is currently talking to when he comes out with the stupid or crass comment.
I really do believe he has some kind of social skill deficiet and Christine confirmed that for me as well.

Oh well maybe we feel like this because things have been good although its all been hard work and this bloody winter just drags on and on with more snow forecast, and roads permanently icy and the sky permanently grey and cold. Maybe we just need signs of spring.